Flying Kunai
by Tierra The Awesome
Summary: "When problems arise, dont you dare back down. Stand up and fight with all youve got." thats what mama said when i was little. but right now, i'd like nothing better than to give up, let go, and ignore everything thats going on right now.
1. Peering Through The Branches

**So….AU obviously…I want Sai in here WITH Sasuke…..Like both…at once…Kakashi's team has Sakura and Naru-chan…and Sai and Sasuke.….cuz my friend is a Sai fangirl…. And all the characters are older in this version. And they have Japanese names. I changed it up to make more sense and be more um...deep?**

**Sooooo…if you think its better, tell me so please  
>If you hate it with a fiery passion burning deep in your soul (I love that cliché xD) tell me, and I'll put up the old Flying Kunai as EXACTLY close to the original as I can remember. But under another title…Cuz I happen to like this one a lot. ILY all my fans...if...there…are…any…ummm...AWKWARD MUCH?<strong>

**Read, honey bunches **

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own this awesome empire of ninja amazingness known as Naruto. **

_If your life was easy, would it really be a life worth living? Would you keep going if you knew there would be no challenges?_

_But if your life is full of despair, full of challenges. Wouldn't you strive to keep on living? Just to prove your own worth? That you can do a well as someone who isn't as messed up in the head as you are. _

_Hope you can have some oodles of fun with that._

I crouched on a tree branch, peeking through a thicket of branches high above the ground. Four shinobi swarmed over Kakashi, trying to attack him to collect the bells.

Oh I hate those damn bells. I'm going to crush them someday.

I watched as two of the four repeatedly attacked him, while one other made repeated (but better strategized) attacks with painted beasts. The last was unwilling to participate, only attacking when he absolutely had to.

"So who you spyin' on?" I jumped at the sudden murmur in my ear.

"Kōhī?" I whisper-screamed through gritted teeth. She had snuck up on me, and had probably been there for a little while.

"Yes. That would be my name." She said, crunching on an apple.

"Why the hell are you up here?" I hissed.

"Hey….why are we up here?"

"NATSŪME, GO AWAY!"

"But I was having fun spying with you." Natsūme smirked at me.

"If you're going to be annoying and stalk me, at least shut up and watch like a good audience."

"But I don't wanna. I say we go down there and say hi." Kōhī stood up and tossed her apple back over her shoulder. She broke a couple of branches in front of us, clearing a Kōhī-sized hole.

"Kōhī, do not even think about going down there. He doesn't know you're part of my team. He'll have my ass for this if you drag me in." I said, with an irritated tone.

"Then stay up here."

"I'm not an idiot."

"Yes you are," Natsūme interjected.

"Shut UP, Neko-chan."

"Bitch."

"My pleasure-KŌHĪ DON'T YOU DARE JUMP-damn that girl."

"Ijōna, she would have done it even if you had chained her to the tree."

"…That's true. Natsūme, go on down. I gotta transform or something before I go down there. Kakashi will kill me if I interrupt him training that team."

"You have three minutes or I'm going to shoot you down with a bazooka."

"…Neko-chan, where would you get a bazooka from?"

"Summoning jutsu. Shikeru-sensei helped me develop it when I was having trouble launching kunai in a fast barrage."

"Ooooohhh…."

"Three minutes." Natsūme launched out of Kōhī's little doorway.

I crossed my legs, and began making hand signs. I could feel my appearance melting and rearranging and being weird. It made my skin tingle.

I stood up, and shook my head back and forth. My eyelashes were thicker, so my eyes felt funny. And my hair was brown and short. My skin was darker, and my facial features were softened and rounded. My entire body felt funny. These body modification jutsus always left me sort of…discombobulated. And disoriented.

"HENTAI-CHAN!"

Oh god. Did she really have to use THAT to call for me? Damn Natsūme.

I leapt through the gap in the branches, thwacking my legs against them, unaccustomed to my burst of height. A foot or so, so I was just under seven feet tall. Maybe four inches shy. I was _very_ disoriented.

I flipped through the air, and smashed feet-first onto the ground.

I stood completely up, and suddenly my air supply was blocked off. I choked, and stumbled down. I fell, and lowered to the height of the person holding (more like clutching in a painful I'm-going-to-hurt-you sort of way…) me.

I took in shallow breaths, trying not to expand my lungs to much, or they would be damaged. I was being squeezed _that _tight. I looked around, trying to find my team. Kōhī was being held in an armlock by Sai, but she was too busy blushing that he was touching her to be mad. Beside her, Sakura was knocked out, her nose bleeding. Along with a busted lip.

_Great. Damage Kakashi's team, why don't you, Kōhī? _ I thought. A struggling, and VERY angry Natsūme was being sat on by Naruto, who had one foot on the back of her neck. She was hissing and spitting at him, while he growled back. More like snarled, actually.

….Weirdos….

Even with how tall I was, Kakashi would not be shorter. The only person left was Sasuke. Explains why he's trying to strangle be, instead of just subduing me. He's such a sadistic (and masochistic) asshole. I can't see what Natsūme could possibly see in this duck-butt head.

Sasuke started to squeeze harder. It felt like he was crushing my throat. My voice would be hoarse for days. I rubbed my foot into the dirt, trying to shimmy my weapons pouch down enough to get at it with raising my arms to alert Sasuke.

I felt the pressure on my neck lighten for a moment, and I took the opportunity to jump away from my captor. But at the same time, he ripped away my pouch. Damn. He noticed anyway.

He dropped my pouch, and ran after me.

CRAP!

I dodged his repeated blows, and barely avoided getting my face slashed off by his swinging chakra sword. He was a much better swordsman than I expected. Add his potent chakra, flowing across the steel, into the equation, and I'm as good as dead if that thing gets me. I pulled out my own chakra sword. It was about the same length, a little shorter. Its blade is inset with a carved seal.

I nicked my finger as I dodged and ran, and swiped the blood along the blade, and the blood ran down the impression, shining red like a hard lacquer.

"DEMON SUMMONING!" I held the sword horizontally in front of me as it began to glow and shine red. I held it tight in my fist, making hand signs with my other hand against the flat of the blade. My hand bled as I repeatedly sliced open my fingers as I formed the signs.

"HOUND OF SENBON!"

I turned the sword vertical, and twisted it. It burned red-hot as a giant black shadow burst from its tip, spewing out like smoke. It landed on the ground, solidifying into a huge wolf dog, 5 feet from foot to shoulder. Its soft fur brushed my skin as it prowled in front of me, growling loud enough to drown out Natsūme and Naruto's animal-sound-fest over there.

The hound paced, getting closer and closer to Sasuke with every lap.

Suddenly, Sasuke made a flying jump, flying high over the dog, aiming at me with his sword. I swung mine, which no longer glowed, burned, or had blood lacquer. I spun the sword in my right hand, then clenched it in my fist point up. I wasn't worried, but if he didn't expect the dog's attack-

Speaking of the dog's attack…..

The hound let out a loud, growling, bark of a yell, jumping high to meet Sasuke in mid-air. Its silky soft fur hardened into razor sharp senbon needles. Sasuke slammed to the ground, the dog landing far away with momentum. It raced over to pace beside me, still growling. I petted it again, its fur having become silky again.

"Good girl, Akaishi." She let out a puppy-like whine of happiness as I scratched her neck, the red and silver collar jangling, standing out against her gray and white fur. I turned back to see Sasuke wincing in pain, sitting up painfully on the clearing floor.

He was scratched almost everywhere, leaving most of his shirt in ripped shreds. What wasn't already ruined enough from the needles was quickly soaking up blood. In several places, Akaishi's fur had pierced him all they way through. He flinched as I approached him.

"Apologize."

"What? No."

"Apologize and I'll help you. Those are demonic wounds. Sakura's healing isn't going to help you at all."

"How do you know?" he snapped at me. Idiot.

"Dumbass. I know because that dog is my weapon. You don't know jack shit because you are arrogant and cant deduce anything once you get mad. You perceive everything with red-tinted vision. And you aren't happy until there is blood spilt. Well, better get happy, emo-boy. Cuz right now you're losing quite a lot of blood."

"Fine. I'm…-ry….." he mumbled, not even forming the word.

He thinks I'm going to accept that as an apology?

"Speak up. That's not even talking."

"I'm sorry…" He mumbled under his breath.

"Huh? Didn't quite hear you, duck-butt head." I bent down a bit, turning my head to the side to stick my ear out at him. I held my hand beside my head, as if to help me hear him.

"I SAID I'M SORRY!" He yelled at me. I laughed as everyone else in the clearing went silent and turned to stare at the Uchiha. Sakura was going to be so mad that she missed this….

I knelt beside him, and ripped off his shirt completely. His torso was decimated. It had been positively gored by Akaishi. I beckoned her over, and removed her collar. I put it on Sasuke, who looked really funny with the 'necklace.' I stifled a giggle, as I saw Natsūme, Naruto, Sai, and Kōhī all stare at him. First he actually said the word _sorry_, and now he's letting someone put JEWELRY on him. It must be shocking.

_Although, Neko-chan is probably more interested in staring at his body than she is in looking at his necklace…._

_Eh. _

The wounds began to heal, closing with black stitches, which burned away, leaving him with faint, and fading, scars.

As I put the collar back on Akaishi and let her fade to smoke, and disappear, I realized Kakashi was nowhere to be seen. At the same moment, I realized my hair was blonde again. And long. And I was shorter.

Shit.

Now he knows it's me…..

"FUCK!" I yelled, grabbing my sword and shoving it in the holster strapped to my back.

"Neko-chan! Kōhī-chan! Let go!"

"Huh? Hentai-chan, whats up, oh shit-RUN!" Natsūme (**a/n: btw if you haven't figured it out by now, Neko-chan is Natsūme's nickname. It'll make sense in a few chapters) **yelled, struggling even harder against Naruto. I yanked him off of her, and threw him into a tree. She had seen Kakashi running out of the tree line. Kōhī got away from Sai on her own, probably by looking at him with that funny face of hers and confusing him.

I ran for it, leaping from tree to tree. I heard Sakura wake up, and barely listened to their conversation.

"Naruto….Wha-What just happened?"

"You got knocked out. AND Sasuke got beat by a girl."

"And what's wrong with that?" she snapped. Aha! Feminist! Respect level for Sakura, has gone from 5% to 7%.

"She made him say sorry."

"She deserves an award." 7% to 80%. Yes, I do in fact deserve an award.

"And she got him to wear a necklace."

"WHAT? That's so rude! Sasuke wit a necklace on? How dare she!" 80% to negative one thousand percent.

I burst through the tree line, and was closely followed by Kōhī and Natsūme. We roof-hopped, getting across town and into Natsūme and Kōhī's apartment.

I locked the doors, and began to freak out.


	2. Adoption

"DAMN IT KŌHĪ! Why the hell did you have to do that?" I yelled at her.

"HEY! I didn't make you come down!"

"Yeah, well, Natsūme DID! And she went down after you!"

"I didn't make her do anything either!"

"YOU JUMPED DOWN INTO TEAM KAKASHI'S TAIJUTSU TRAINING! YOU WERE BEGGING TO GET KILLED!" I almost screamed, pacing back and forth, gesturing madly.

"But I'm part of the Leaf Village! Why would they kill ME?"

In response, I gesture angrily to her Sand Village headband. "Because it looked like you were attacking them, BAKA!"

"…Oh…."

"EXACTLY! YEAH! And because of that, we had to save your stupid butt. And now Kakashi is going to KILL ME!"

"Well why would he kill you if he thought I was from an enemy village?"

"I hate you. He's going to kill me because," I took a deep breath," YOU JUMPED DOWN THERE AND I HAD TO SAVE YOUR ASS AND THEN I GOT IN A FIGHT WITH THAT EMO BASTARD SO IT WAS OBVIOUSLY ME! AND I TOLD KAKASHI THAT ONE OF MY FRIENDS ALWAYS WEARS A SAND HEADBAND!" I screamed.

"Ooooooooh….."

I began to punch the wall, when Natsūme came up behind me and threw me on the floor.

"Don't break the wall."

"Sorry, Neko-chan."

She handed me a shopping bag filled with Jolly Ranchers.

Ooooooooh….So that's where she's been for the last few minutes.

"He's going to ground you. You might as well have these, since he definitely won't give you any ramen."

"Ugh….why do you have to be right?"

"And we're going to get our asses handed to us too. Tsunade is going to kill us. Which is why I got this."

A squeaky little mouse popped out of her pocket. I could tell it was taking all of her self-restraint not to chase it like a cat. Instead, Kōhī grabbed it and started to snuggle it against her face.

"Umm….why did you get a mouse?"

"It's one of Sai's little spy mice. It's a special kind, which only disappears if he kills it. It'll sneak around and we'll send messages."

"You and Kōhī share a house…why didn't you just get a pair of radios?"

"Because, _**baka**_, Tsunade is going to have us on lockdown _inside of our rooms._ Kakashi's just gonna keep you in the house."

"DAMN IT ALL!"

"Yeah. I know."

"No that's not what I mean. I mean, why are we still getting grounded? We're almost seventeen, but we're still getting grounded." I growled.

"Oh shit." Kōhī muttered.

Natsūme and I both turned to stare a Kōhī with wide eyes.

"Kōhī? Did you just cuss?"

"Shut up Natsūme. Ijōna, I'd advise you to run."

"Why?"

"Because I'm a sensory-type. Right now, I'm sensing Tsunade and Kakashi. So, run."

"SHITFIRE!"

I shoved the bag of Jolly Ranchers into my weapon bag, and ran into Natsūme's room. She followed after me.

"WHY ARE YOU JUMPING OUTTA _MY _WINDOW?"

"Cuz it faces another roof. Not the street."  
>I yanked open the window, kicked out the screen, and launched my self onto the next roof.<p>

I was two roofs away, when I heard her say, "Bitch kicked out the screen! KAMI TSUNADE IS GONNA KILL ME!"

…

I dived through my open window (which I always kept open if I needed easy entrance to my room) and landed on my bed. I jumped up, and rapidly began to change into my house clothes, just to try and see if it would fool him enough so he thought I'd been home all day.

I yanked my top down, covering the large scar than ran down my chest.

I buttoned the last button, and looked over and up-

To see Kakashi sitting in my open window sill, reading his book.

"HOLY SHIT KAKASHI! HOW THE LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?"

"Since you changed your socks."

"….Kakashi…I CHANGED MY SOCKS FIRST!"  
>I chunked a book at him, but he easily dodged it.<p>

"You can't do stuff like that, Kakashi." I groaned, mentally puking. "It's called pedophilia. And since you have your porn, DON'T BE WATCHIN' ME GET DRESSED! YOU HAVE YOUR ENTERTAINMENT!" And I threw a barrage of hangers at him.

And then he was behind me, picking me up by my shirt collar and throwing me onto my bed.

"RAAAPE!" I shrieked, when I fell on my bed and saw him looming angrily over me. Then he smacked his hand over my mouth to shut me up.

"Shut it. You think you're funny? You know what, its not. You're going in the wrong direction for a respectable shinobi. You're seriously overdue for a reality check." He took his hand off of my mouth, and loomed over me, arms crossed over his chest.

Craaaaaaaaaaap…

I sat up, and crossed my arms and legs, glaring at Kakashi.

"A "respectable shinobi?" I AM a respectable shinobi!"

"You remember that night we met?" he said softly, his voice thickly muffled by his mask.

"Yeah? Why?" I snapped.

"Just think about it."

**seven years ago**

I stood in front of the memorial stone, trying not to cry. Not that it would make a difference, it was already raining.

…

Mama and Daddy. Killed in action. No one ever found their bodies. That four man team of mine and Natsūme's parents was slaughtered. Her mom came back, and died within an hour of crawling through the gates, half dead and losing blood. The little she had left anyway…

Her dad had disappeared with mine.

I let my fingers trace the characters of my mother's name.

"Shigana Wotamari"

I'm the last Wotamari. No relatives, no parents. I'm on a one way track to an orphan's life, at the age of 9. I'm perpetually hopeless.

Natsūme has been claimed by her great-aunt, the woman came last week. The blonde, pig-tailed woman had taken my best friend and disappeared with her.

I've been in the orphanage for two and a half weeks, and now I've become friends with Kōhī Takigata, whose entire 15 person family had died when her family shrine had caught on fire, and she was rescued by a sand shinobi, who gave her his headband. She has this promise to herself, that she'll always keep the headband safe, and when she meets him again, she'' give him the headband and they'll fall in love. Happily ever after.

Kōhī is an innocent-to-the-core girl, who didn't deserve this. She still wakes up screaming about fires and matches. I have to hold her or she won't calm down, she'll just shake and stare blankly.

It's horrible. She didn't deserve anything that happened to her.

Looking at the black stone as it gleamed in the moonlight, I thought,

_Did I deserve this?_

I stared at two of four freshly carved names.

"Shigana Wotamari"

"Hiroshi Wotamari"

And then the tears that I had been holding back for weeks broke through the wall of my self control.

I collapsed to the ground, clutching my knees against my chest. I gasped for air, as my face was pelted by unforgivingly cold rain. My clothes soaked through with water, and my body felt heavy. I began to convulse with exhaustion and cold. My teeth chattered violently as I shook, and I wondered,

_If I die now…will anyone notice that I disappeared? Someday I'll be nothing but a name carved into a stone. Why put off the inevitable?_

As I began to feel dizzy, lying down on the concrete, a sharp pain slashed across my chest. I choked, and then a feeling of warmth washed over me.

_So this is death? I didn't expert it to be so…warm. Maybe it's the blood. I can smell it._

And then I felt movement, like I was being carried through the woods separating the Village and the memorial stone.

…_I was noticed._

**end flashback**

**KAKASHI P.O.V.**

Ijōna's eyes glazed over as she thought back. I let my thoughts flash back to that night too.

**seven years ago**

I felt that old familiar pull, that tell-tale force that tugged me to the memorial stone. I could spend hours in front of that stone, just thinking.  
>I walked indifferently through the rain, just walking steadily towards the stone. I had visited so many times over the years; I get there without even thinking about it anymore. As I neared, I heard a sound like screaming and crying.<br>A small figure was hunched in front of the stone, making those sounds. She shook, whether from her sobs or from the cold, I couldn't tell. As I got closer, I decided it was probably both. Her sobs quieted, and she slumped hard onto the concrete.

She let out a faint sound, something between a moan and a whimper, and I picked her up. Her hand slipped over the stone, leaving a muddy streak. I slipped my sweatshirt over her head, trying to warm her up some. She felt like ice.

The mud was quickly being washed off by the rain, and I looked to see which names she had been mourning over.

…Shigana and Hiroshi Wotamari. They had died about three weeks ago…leaving a sole heiress. Named Ijōna.

Her body was still cold, but one part of her chest was warm. And wet. And sticky.

And it smelled like blood.

I tried to heal her as best I could with one hand while I ran through the trees. The wound did nothing but bleed slower. She was really shaking now. She must be freezing…the blood isn't flowing throughout her body anymore.

I set her gently on the ground, and quickly drew a seal on a tree with the pooling mud. I transported us directly into the hospital, not a foot from the reception desk.

Several people jumped at the sudden appearance, but all the nurses quickly took the girl from me. One stayed to ask me a few questions.

"Kakashi-san, who is this girl? How do you know her?"

"Her name is Ijōna Wotamari. I found her at the memorial, with that huge gash, crying her heart out."

"Ijōna Wota-….Kakashi she's an orphan. We can't do anything besides sew up her wound. We can't even administer medication! Wait, Kakashi-san don't go-KAKASHI-SAN!"

I teleported into the Hokage's office, slamming my hands on his desk. I would get hell for being so rude later, but right now, only one thing was on my mind.

"Hokage-sama, I need to talk to you about an adoption."

**end flashback**

**IJŌNA P.O.V.**

I woke up in a bed softer than mine, in a room warmer, and cleaner, than mine. I wasn't at the orphanage, that's for sure.

A nurse was at the foot of the bed, scribbling on a clipboard. The sounds of her scratching pen must have woken me up.

"Ummm….Ma'am? Where exactly am I?"

"OH! You're awake! You're in the hospital, sweetie."

"The…hospital?"

"Yes. The hospital. Now, does it hurt? I'm supposed to be administering your medication."

"No…it doesn't hurt….And I thought you couldn't administer any medication to an orphan."

"Awww…Honey, you were adopted!"

"…I was?"

"Mhmm…now I have to go! Bye bye!" and with that she ran off and disappeared out the door.

"WAIT DON'T GO! WHO….adopted me…."

I looked around, getting no answers to the creepily bare walls.

I scooted backwards to sit up, and a massive surge of pain seared through my chest. I gasped for breath, and slumped back down to the pillows. I choked, and puked over the side of the bed. I laid there for a few minutes, trying to calm down.

After my heart had stopped trying to pound its way out of my chest to join my puke on the floor, I stabbed a little button on my bed control thing. A little bell sound went off directly outside of the door.

_Well if they put me that close to the nurses' station, I must have really screwed myself up._

A new nurse came in, then called another one in when she saw that I had spewed my guts all over their fancy shiny floor. As one cleaned up, the other changed out my IV and needled in some funky lookin' purple stuff with the clear liquid dripping through my veins right now.

They both left, so I began to flip the channels of the crappy hospital TV, very slowly.

I leaned into the pillows, getting drowsy, when I spotted the nurse's clipboard, which she had set sown when she changed my IV. I reached over slowly, deciding going through _that _little episode again wasn't exactly high on my list of priorities at the moment.

I snagged the clipboard, and dragged it closer to me, then brought it close so I could read it in the dim light. (Thank god they turned off the fluorescents. They hurt my eyes.) I flipped through the pages, searching for my name.

_Ijōna….Ijōna…..Ijōna…..Where the HELL is Ijōna Wotamari-Wait….._

I flicked back one page, and scanned it to find another name.

Ijōna…Hatake?


	3. Grounded

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto :( If I did…KANKURO WOULD BE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TO THE STORY! And Gaara would have an eyebrow episode. I wanna know what he'd look like with eyebrows **mental image** EW NO MAKE IT GO AWAY ITS WEIRD LOOKING.**

**The Naruto childrens are around 17. the Naruto childrens are older….I guess that would mean Neji and Ten-ten are 18 or 19….THEY CAN LEGALLY GET MARRIED? **spazzes****

"So? Yeah, I remember." I grumbled.

"….Really?"

"What?"

"Nothing."

"WHAT?"

"Nothing. You're grounded for a week, though."

"DAMMIT! KAKASHI! You better tell me what you meant!" I leapt at him, and he turned around to try and fend me off, but he was too late. Just by a little, but it was enough. I smashed into his chest, and knocked him hard onto the floor. There was actually a crack in the wooden floor. Straddling him, I started yelling.

"You answer _me_, Kakashi, I'm almost seventeen, I want an answer, and you would do damn well to give it to me. I'm obviously strong enough to knock you over."

I stood up, and shoved him out of my room, and slammed the door shut in his face. Turning around, I stomped across the floor, ignoring the crack. I threw myself on my bed, fully planning to be an angsty teenage girl until he cracked.

Ugh. This is hell.

HELL I TELL YOU!

* * *

><p>I lay upside down on the arm chair, my hair dangling to the floor, my feet reaching towards the ceiling. Staring blankly at the TV screen, I could feel my brain melting to cartoonized mush. Oops…and there it goes, comically leaking out of my ears to entertain 5 year olds on Sunday morning.<p>

I started to channel surf. AGAIN.

*click*

"_And next on Degrassi-" _The TV said in a seductive girl's voice.

"EW! NO! KILL! IT! KILL IT!"

*click*

"_Are Mike and Snooki really doing the dirty deed? Find out next on Jersey Shore-"_

"MAKE IT STOP!"

*click*

"_WHAT THE FUCK? I'M A FUCKING GINGER! HOLY SHIT!"_

I relaxed as Cartman spazzed about his newfound ginger appearance, and wiggled to get a little more comfortable in my upside down position.

I reached out to turn up the volume, when the remote disappeared, along with the images on the TV.

"What the hell-KAKASHI!"

He stood beside me, looking down at me. I tried to lunge at him, but only succeeded in snapping the recliner shut and plummeting to the floor.

*CRACK*

_Oh great. That's the second crack in the floor in the last 24 hours,_ I thought angrily to myself.

"What're you doing home, Kakashi? It can't possibly be for lunch, since lunch is at 11:30 and it's well past noon."

"Well, you see, I had to help an elder-"

"An elderly woman carry her groceries home, I know, I know." I cut him off, and finished his line, rubbing my head and stalking off to the kitchen. I knew he'd be at least an hour late. That's why I only started lunch 20 minutes ago.

I made plates of rice, dumplings, and my special takoyaki recipe, handed down from my great-grandma. I handed him his, along with chopsticks.

"Itadakimasu!" He said cheerily, and I glared at him, keeping my angsty promise-to-self.

"Itadaki-freaking-finally-masu." I snapped, and promptly grabbed the remote and stomped back into the living room with my plate.

Dropping onto Kakashi's fancy suede couch, (the man has good taste. I'll give him that) I turned Cartman back on-Oh look dead Kenny.

Stabbing a takoyaki ball with my chopstick, I stuck it in my mouth and put my hair up in pigtails to get it out of my way. And then Kakashi took my remote again.

"HEY YOU SHTOOPID WITTLE-gulp-YOU STUPID LITTLE PRICK! GIMME THAT BACK!"

"Good girls watch TV. Bad girls get punished." He said in complete and utter seriousness.

"Pedophile."

"Really?" he sighed, exasperated.

"You said it in such a perverted way, Kakashi. I couldn't have perceived it with any other context than a sex joke or a pedophile reference."

He sighed, and stuffed the remote in his weapons pouch.

"Jerk."

"Back to the kitchen, you problem child."

"I'M NOT A PROBLEM CHILD!"

Instead of answering, he just pointed at the large crack in his floor. And the bright purple stain on my (okay. His. But its mine now. Muahaha) previously handsome blue recliner. And the doorless balcony.

"Okay, the sliding door isn't completely my fault. You really shouldn't have let me bring any dogs in here, let alone Pakkun, who finds it one of his personal goals in life to annoy the shit outta you-"

"Quiet. Eat." He said, tiredly.

I admit it. I work that poor man to death. He really doesn't deserve all the crap I put him through-Oh no he did not.

"KAKASHI HATAKE YOU PUT THAT PORN AWAY! RIGHT NOW! THIS IS TIME FOR FOOD! NOT THAT SMUT!"

"It's not _porn._ It's **romance**." He obliged, stuffing it away in his weapons pouch. How much crap can he fit in that little thing?

"I'm well aware of what it is, Kakashi. You don't hide your books too well. Under your mattress isn't very original, y'know."

"Okay. I'll give you that one. Oh, and you know what? You're grounded for another week, y'know." And he poofed away. Along with the remote.

"DAMMIT KAKASHI! DON'T TAKE THE REMOTE YOU KNOW I'M TOO LAZY TO PUSH THE BUTTONS ON THE TV! KAKASHI!"

I slammed open the front door of his penthouse door (the man is loaded) and was about to dash out when I was slammed backwards, as if I ran into an elastic-y brick wall.

"What the hell?"

I peered warily out the front door.

_Bastard but a sealing jutsu on the entire fucking apartment, didn't he?_

**Kōhī's P.O.V.**

I bent down and opened the oven, and a wall of baking heat hit me.

Wow. My face is going to melt off.

I snatched the cookie pan off of the oven rack, and quickly dropped it on the counter. I called for Natsūme as I ran my scorched fingers under the faucet.

I refuse to use oven mitts that aren't Italian made. I blatantly refuse.

"NATSŪME ! If you want any cookies, you better move your butt! They're red and everything!"

Silence.

Well that's weird….My red lava cookies usually get her running. Even during circumstances that include a fatal injury.

Okay. Something's up.

I glanced out the window, where Neji stood guard by the door. I already knew Shino was at the back door of the apartment.

_Holy shuriken. We get grounded and Tsunade uses that as grounds to imprison us with Jonin guards. She didn't even give us a fighting chance. We don't have Ijōna here to run the main offense, since I'd be the defense and Natsūme would be a distraction and beat the living bejeezus outta them. Hmmm….Ijōna would probably go for Neji first, and blindfold him, then knock out Shino…Or she could do it in reverse, but no, Neji would notice if Shino's chakra levels flat-lined when she knocks him out…_

_And if Neji tried to get at her I'd block him with the earth shields…but he'd break through those with his Kaiten._

_CAZZO!_

**(a/n its Italian. She only cusses in Italian)**

Knowing better than to even bother offering Neji or Shino any cookies, I shoveled them onto a plate and grabbed two sodas, and heading in Natsūme's half of the apartment.

I checked her sunroom, den, and bathroom, but there was no sign of her.

"Nekoooooo-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" I called, "Here kitty kitty!"

I rounded the corner, and was face-to-face with an ANBU mask.

"Uhh… Kon' ichiwa, nin-sama." I said, bowing as best could with a plate of cookies and sodas. Kitty mask just nodded. I knew she was a woman, because her ANBU tattoo was on her right arm, unlike Kakashi's whose was on his left arm. Ijōna had shown me his tattoo one night while I crashed at her house and Kakashi had stumbled in, drunk and being stalked by a drunker Izumo and Kotetsu, and a somehow even drunker Tsunade. Ah, we messed with them so much. We even have photographic evidence of Izumo and Kotetsu being drunken yaoi. Ijōna wouldn't stop forcing them to make out, even after Kakashi had collapsed on his couch with laughter.

The next day Natsūme tried to kill us because she hadn't been there to see how wasted they were. Hence the photographs.

But back to the point.

"Can I see Natsūme –chan?"

Miss ANBU mask shook her head.

"Why not?"

Silence.

"Fine. But…ummm….how many of you are in my house, exactly?"

"Seven," she said, in a sharp, clipped voice.

"No need to get snippy, miss kitty-mask-faced-person. One… Two… uh… I only see three besides you…" My eyes drifted towards the ceiling, but ANBU face shook her head.

"One is in the room, the other two are outside."

ANBU face went back to Natsūme's door, and sat down, refusing to speak anymore.

"Lemme go in. I made her food."

Silence.

"Fine, meanie." I stuck my tongue out at her, and stomped back into the kitchen, and out the front door. I sat on the stairs, next to where Neji stood, and shoved the can of soda into his face without looking at him. He didn't take it, so I turned to glare at him.

"The ANBU lady in there ticked me off. You can either cooperate, or I'll kick your but to Suna."

I kept the can in his face, but turned to glare forwards.

"You're not supposed to leave the house, you imbecile."

"Naruto is the imbecile, Mr. Funny-British-accent. Now take the soda, eat a cookie, and be nice before you find yourself buried under three feet of sand."

He took it.

* * *

><p><strong>Ijona P.O.V.<strong>

After an hour of searching, I finally found Kakashi's seal. Sneaky little pervert painted it under my shuriken-shaped rug. I don't even want to know when he came into my room.

Scrubbing the floor, I could sense the seal around the house fading and shimmering away. How I hadn't noticed it before, I had no idea.

I decided to sneak out the skylight, since Kōhī had sent the message mouse over. She had Neji and Shino guarding them, and seven ANBU in the house. She couldn't even get into Natsūme's room to see her. And if they had that many people watching them, my front door was obviously being watched.

I unlatched the ceiling window, focusing my chakra so I wouldn't fall like an idiot. I slipped out the roof, and latched it shut again. I stood up, stretched, and turned around to see the village I had been grounded from for a week and a half.

But Shika-freaking-maru Nara was in my freaking way.

Dammit.


	4. TTTKA: Time To Totally Kick Ass!

"Heeeeeey….Shikamaru….."

"You know you're not supposed to leave the house."

"…Yeeeeaaaaah…"

"And you left," he said boredly.

"Shika-kun, I'm ME. It would have been weird if I hadn't snuck out."

"When Kakashi-sensei asked me to do this, I knew it'd be troublesome." He sighed, loudly. I glared at him and his pineapple head.

"How'd you know I'd be sneaking out the skylight?"

"It was inevitable. Once you found out you were sealed inside, you would begin to look for the seal. Once you found it, you would get rid of it. And since you're aware of your squad's ANBU guards, you would guess the front door was being watched. And not even Naruto would sneak out of somewhere he knew was under surveillance. And if you were suspicious of the front door, you'd be suspicious of the back door. And what was left was the skylight."

Yeah…He's a smart cookie. I didn't even think about the back door.

"Wait, how'd you know that I know Kōhī and Natsūme are being held hostage by the ANBU people and Neji and Shino?"

In answer, he raised the struggling message mouse by its tail. It was literally bouncing on its tail's end.

"Uhh…'

'Normal mice don't run upside down on roofs."

"Dammit."

"And Neji's Byakugan noticed it as it was leaving last time."

"Double dammit."

"Now get back in the house," he said, looking at me with half-lidded eyes. He looked tired as hell.

_Wow…he thinks I'm going to fall for that._

His sleepiness was a farce. He was wide awake, and ready to move at my slightest possible move. But he had the disadvantage of his lazy sort of pose. I could get moving before he could, and I know I'm faster than he is. If I jump backwards onto the next roof, I can get away but I'd be easily traceable through the village. But if I somehow leaped over him, I could get to Kōhī's quickly, kick the jonin's assess, and get Kōhī hyped. Then we'd somehow get to Natsūme and get the hell outta there. Then we'd camp out in the woods or something.

Eh. I'd figure it out along the way.

I jumped over Shikamaru, and almost made it, but he grabbed me by the ankle the moment I leapt off the roof.  
>My momentum carried us off the roof, and he had to let go or we'd smash our heads on the ground. When he let go, he threw me up in the air so he'd land first.<p>

Smart in general, completely idiotic when dealing with me.

"KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!" My clone pushed me to the side, and tried to escape, clutching the edge of the neighboring roof and trying to pull herself up. And no, she was not trying to ditch me, that's just STUPID. It's called a decoy.

"Ugh…what a drag. The one running away is obviously the real one, with a clone distracting me."

I mentally laughed at his ignorance. You would imagine that someone as smart as Shika-kun would have watched and seen which me had thrown which me which way.

….

That confused me….and I'm the one who actually made it happen….

He sent his shadow to catch my clone, and once it caught her, she disappeared. And by then, my arms were around his neck, choking off his air supply. I dragged him into the alley, and knocked him out. Tying him up with some discarded ropes, I eyed his pineapple head for a second.

_I wonder what it looks like down…._

I poked him hard in the face, and when he didn't react, I decided it was safe.

I pulled his head closer, so he was bent forward. His hair brushed against my face, and I twitched my nose, because it tickled like hell. It was much finer than I imagined it to be. I rested his head against my chest as I worked at his stupid little ponytail holder. Oh, no, he just couldn't use a normal stretchy elastic hair band like the rest of the world. He had to have it tied in several knots with a tiny little rope.

At least he gets kudos for being able to get his hair in this piece of crap.

After five minutes, I wasn't even halfway done, and Shika-kun would be waking up soon.

I looked around, and saw a shard of broken glass from a shattered mirror, and used it to cut off the string. His hair fell, still kind of up from being up so long. I ruffled his hair for a few seconds to shake it out, and then leaned back to get a good look at him.

_Hooooooooly shiiiiiit, _I thought to myself, in a sing song voice.

This isn't even cute. It's fucking gorgeous.

I blushed, and leaned him back against the wall.

I covered my mouth with my hand, and just kept staring.

_Am I really this attracted to him? What the hell?_

His eyes fluttered, and he woke up slowly. I blushed even more when he looked right in my eyes.

"Ijōna? Ijōna, what is it?"

My eyes widened, and I quickly stood up and tore the hell out of that alley, while Shikamaru stared after me, with one raised eyebrow.

"Women….such a bother."

I didn't even turn around, I just ran towards Kōhī and Natsūme's house, still blushing. I frustratedly stared ahead.

_Why did I lock up like that?_

_Why couldn't I answer him?_

_WHY THE FUCK CANT I STOP BLUSHING?_

* * *

><p>I stormed up the fire escape of their apartment, and kicked in the kitchen window. The glass shattered all over, and I cleared the leftover glass on the windowpane. I leapt from the window to the counter, and swung out the doorway to living room, avoiding the glass on the floor.<p>

_What's wrong with me?_

I passed through the living room, and threw open the door to the front yard thing, (Tsunade-sama was also loaded, so their penthouse is even more awesome than mine and Kakashi's) and saw Neji turn around, not as though he was expecting to be attacked.

_He's not that hot._

I angrily whirled around and kicked him in the stomach, then spun again and hit the back of his head with my heel. He fell to the ground, and tried to reach and trip me. I leapt in the air, and he took advantage of my split-second retreat to put on a defensive and painfully offensive jutsu.

_Maybe I at some sort of aphrodisiac earlier._

"KAITEN!"

_Dammit I did NOT think Shika was attractive!_

I fell on his kaiten, and I could feel it like I was falling on concrete. Concrete that was going past me at 60 miles an hour while I was stuck in the same place. The contact didn't even last a second, but I careened off, breathless and in pain.

I rolled backwards, scraping my bare legs.

_Dammit. The one day I wear shorts instead of sweatpants would be the day I decide to sneak out._

I stood up, ignoring the scrapes on my legs. Neji ran at me, preparing for his 8 trigrams palm.

_I didn't think he was attractive!_

"EIGHT TRIGRAMS PALM!"

I whirled to avoid his attacks, barely missing his pointed strikes as they landed centimeters from my arms and torso, jabbing the air around me.

_I didn't think it._

I turned fast, and slapped him in the face. It was a lame, cheap move, but it knocked him slightly off balance. I tripped him, jabbed him in a pressure point while bending his arm behind his back. He blacked out and I rolled away from him.

_I didn't!_

I stormed back inside the house, and slammed the door. Opening Kōhī's bedroom door, I glared ferociously.

_I didn't!_

"Kōhī, get up. We're getting Natsūme and then we're gonna go rough it out in the woods for a few days. I'm sick of being grounded and stuck in this damn village."

"WHAT? YOU'RE DESERTING THE VILLAGE?"

"No, you baka. That would be retarded. I just wanna get out of this village. Stretch my legs, y'know."

"Oooh…."

"Now, let's go get Natsūme and get crackin'."

"But…she's got ANBU…"

"And it took me all of 90 seconds to knock Neji the fuck out. I'm in a really fucking bad mood, so get your ass up and help be bust Natsūme out of her room damn it."

"But-"

"GET THE FUCK UP! My screaming at you isn't exactly going to help my surprise attack so you better kick ass, dammit."

"Fine. Jesus, you're mad."

"Fucking pissed, that's what I am. Now come on."

I stomped back through the living room, and leapt across the kitchen (the distance from the window to the living room doorway is significantly greater than the distance from the living room doorway to Natsūme's hallway), and Kōhī followed, and refrained from asking about the broken window.

Smart girl.

I thundered down the hall to Natsūme's bedroom, and stopped when I was faced with six ANBU guards.

"Move."

"We cannot allow you to pass."

"Move, dammit."

"We cannot allow you to pass."

"I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO MOVE! I AM PISSED OFF ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU KEEPING ME FROM GETTING NATSŪME! SO UNLESS YOU WANNA FIND YOURSELF KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT, I SUGGEST YOU MOVE YOUR ASSES!" I screamed, glaring with fire in my eyes. Like Lee and Guy do when they get to youth-high.

"Ijōna, I don't think you should antagonize them so much-"

"Kōhī. Shut. The. Hell. Up. Now help me kick their stubborn ANBU asses."

"But..that's the problem…they're ANBU…and we're only chunin…."

"What-…Kōhī, shut up and fight damn it."

"But- Ijōna."

"Fine. Sit there and be a wimp. And by the way, your face paint is smearing off."

And it was. The purple designs were smeared with sweat. Or actually….she smelled like soda. And cookies.

Like Neji did….

The fuck? Why do the smell the same? I thought she had just been bugging him…But what if..?

I shook my head, thinking: _I'll deal with that later..., _and turned back to the ANBU assholes.

"KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!" Ten copies of me cracked into existence, poised to kick ass.

_I'm at the disadvantage. No armor, no weapons. My only advantage is there are almost twice as many mes (of me? of I?) than there are of them. _

_Take out the small one first. Take her kunai._

I whirled around, and flipped over several of my copies, landing behind the small woman before she could react. My copies flooded the others, disappearing quickly. I took her kunai, and threw one into another's head, making it spin to the ring handle hit him squarely in the temple. He fell to the ground, unconscious. I grabbed the woman's shoulder, and flipped her over, tossing her onto another, taller man. They both smashed into the wall, heads smacking together with a loud crack. They both passed out instantaneously.

_Three down, three to go._

_The tall one. He'll get unbalanced easily if I go for his ankles. If I trip him and hit him right, he'll fall unconscious._

I dropped to the ground as the leader swung her sword (sheathed, thankfully. At least I know they want to incapacitate me, not kill me) and spun on one fit, swinging my other leg out. It collided with the tall guy's left ankle, and I heard it crack as it broke and he fell to the ground. I rolled on my back as the leader tried to jab me in the stomach with the sheathed sword, and hit the tall guy in his neck pressure point with my fist. As he blacked out, I grabbed his shoulders and used his dead weight to pull myself over him and land on the floor beside him.

Kōhī took the other one (not the leader) and started to jab him aimlessly in the head, frantically trying to hit his temple like I had taught her.

"By his hairline, stupid!" I laughed, kicking the leader in the back as she tried to move and rip Kōhī off her teammate. She dropped to the ground, and jumped up, facing me. Kōhī dropped her finally-unconscious victim (he's going to have a ton of bruises on his face, poor guy) and moved to help me, but I motioned for her to stay back.

The leader lunged for me, and I ducked, then shot up and punched the underside of her jaw. Her mask flew off, and broke into a dozen pieces, the porcelain littering the dark blue carpet. She had a large scar on her face, curling from the hairline above her left eye, over her forehead, down by her right eye, down her check, and spiraled down her neck, disappearing in the neck of her clothing. And I don't think her shoulder was where it ended…

She whirled back towards me, aiming her sword for my neck. I ducked, and tried to kick her in the side, but she blocked me, and tried to flip me. I spun horizontally, and plummeted to the ground. I reached my arms out, and landed hard in the down part of a push-up position. I pushed with my legs, and heard her cry out as I pushed her wrist back farther than it was supposed to. She dropped my leg, and I flipped backwards, pushing up with my arm. I landed on her back, and decked hard in the side of the neck. She collapsed, and I pushed off of her back, skidding backwards to a stop.

I stood, and walked back to Kōhī, who was calmly eating a cookie.

"Wayyy..whahhabou She-o?"

"Kōhī, if you talk with crap in your mouth, how the heck am I supposed to understand you?"

She swallowed, and said, "What about Shino?"

"Oh shit."

I ran to the nearest window, and saw Shino watching the house, walking slowly.

_Shit I forgot about him._

I scrambled into the hall closet, and grabbed Kōhī's old poison darts.

I ran back to the window, and smashed with my fist. I quickly aimed several darts at his feet, and while his bug began to guard there, I shot one at his nose (the only visible place on his entire freakin body) and sighed in relief as it hit him, and his face jerked back, and he began to fall backwards, slowly. It was actually kind of funny to watch.

I ran to Natsūme's door, and began to twist the locked doorknob.

'Oh, crap, Ijōna, there's another-"

I twisted the doorknob all the way around, and the lock broke inside. I ripped the doorknob off, and the door swung wide open.

"ANBU….guard….in…there…"

Natsūme was leaning against the wall, in a full body restraint. The buckles were reinforced with several padlocks each. She stared boredly at her wall, where a movie was playing on her huge TV.

Wait….

She isn't staring in the bored-teenage-state-of-being-a-vegetable.

She's drugged.

I scanned the room for the ANBU. Suddenly, Kōhī screamed behind me, before she was cut off. I spun around to see her unconscious on the floor, tied up. Behind her, a body was slumped against the wall. The body was bleeding in several places. I inched towards it, and realized there was no heartbeat coming from the body hidden behind the ANBU mask.

"Fuck."

And then I felt a sharp pain pierce my collarbone, and a dull tingling spread all over my body.

_Fuck. Neurotoxin..and a sedative._

I managed to send a death glare at the shadowy figure as I fell hard to the floor, then I blacked out as I slammed my head on the floor.


	5. Kidnapped

I came to, dizzy as crap. My eyelids felt like they weighed a hundred pounds. My legs were heavier than the weights Lee had let me try and lift. And I could barely move them a centimeter, shoving with all my strength.

I looked around slowly. My body felt like I was trying to move through a pool of thick ink.

_Ughh…..I wanna sleep._

I closed my eyes again, and fell back asleep.

* * *

><p>When I woke up this time, my head was pounding.<p>

I winced in pain as I scooted backwards. My hands were bound behind my back with large chains, and a massive padlock the size of my fist. My bare feet slid on the concrete floor, chafing against a layer of sand.

I opened my eyes a bit, and then squinted as my head was assaulted with sunlight.

"Fuuuuuck…owwwww…." I moaned, dropping my head between my knees to fight off the sudden nausea. After a few minutes, I could stand to move again without feeling like I was gonna puke. I looked around at my surroundings, trying to figure out where I was. Natsūme was out cold in the corner, still in the full body restraint Tsunade had ordered her to be wrapped up in. Kōhī was snoring, sprawled on her back, on top of a pile of raggy old blankets. If her face paint had been smeared before, now it was beyond smeared. It was actually all over her face, like sheen. She was sweating _that_ much.

I wiggled back against the hot stone wall, using the leverage to stand, shakily. I was exhausted by the time I was upright. I leaned against the wall as I stumbled towards the window and looked out.

_Sand._

Not a damned thing except sand.

Whatever we were in, our window was a half-foot above the desert floor, and the sand kept shifting in. I growled angrily, as a mini-sandstorm crossed the horizon. Then a gust of wind blew my way and slammed a wall of sand into my face.

"FUCK!"

I fell backwards, trying to twist so I wouldn't land on my head. I hit my knee, but at least my skull wasn't smashed into a million pieces. I choked up sand, dry-heaving with the combination of the dry crap and lack of water.

How long was I out?

A day, at least, if not two.

My eyes watered with the stinging sand, and I shuffled over to Kōhī, on my knees. I was exhausted from the little physical effort I had just used. I somehow got up beside my purple-face friend, and snuggled up against her. I could tell it was over a hundred degrees, because we were all sweaty. And when I say sweaty, I mean drenched. It was gross. But even with the heat, I felt like I was in an ice bath. I was freezing. My teeth were even freaking _chattering_, I was so cold.

I tried to warm myself up against her, but it wasn't working.

The cold was so bad I passed out.

* * *

><p>I woke up again, pressed against the wall. My skin burned against the scorching hot stones. The only upside was that the poison had finally neutralized in my system.<p>

I still felt like I was going to puke though.

Kōhī was crouched over Natsūme, frantically trying to pull her out of her trance.

"Natsūme! Neko-chan! WAKE UP DAMMIT!"

"Kōhī..cussing….interesting development," I croaked from the blanket pile. "Shut up! Ijōna, Natsume wont wake up! And you were all shivering and acting cold, trying to get warm, and your body temperature was over a hundred and four. Dammit, Ijōna, I'm scared."

"I'm scared too, Kōhī. If you hadn't noticed, I was poisoned with god knows what."

"Okay…true…"

"Yeah…I think we're near Suna."

"Really? Why?" she said, too excited. That's why she's never sent on missions that mean going to Suna. Tsunade doesn't want her running off to find that guy she's infatuated with. Especially since we don't know who he is. But I think that her recent face paint is modeled after what she remembers of his. Why else would she randomly start wearing the purple stuff on the anniversary of the fire? That dream comes every year, and she relives the whole thing in a nightmare.

"Why else would there be a building in the middle of the desert? Albeit a buried one. It's probably ruins."

And if it was ruins…there were more. And there were probably guards. Guards that I can't see and can't tell where they are, that Kōhī can't sense because she freaking out and can't settle down long enough to freak out properly. Guards that are completely invisible. And that's scaring me.

I stumbled over a heap of blankets, and caught myself on the bars. We were in some sort of prison cell.

"HEY! WE'RE DEHYDRATED, HUNGRY, AND MY FRIEND THAT YOU POISONED WON'T WAKE UP, ASSHOLES! HEY? DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU DAMNED JERKS!"

I peered down the dark hallway, when someone suddenly dropped the frick outta nowhere.

I saw her Mist forehead protector first, which she was wearing like Izumo does.

Her goldish-brown, wavy hair reached to her shoulders, unbrushed and untamed. Her bangs ran down the middle of her round face, and framed it harshly. She was short, stocky, and seemed young. Maybe around 13 or 14. If that. Her eyes glared holes into mine, brown, cold, and mean.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Keito." She snapped.

"And why exactly did you and your people kidnap us?"

"She's the Hokage's niece. You're the daughter of the world famous Copy Nin. She's the sole heiress of one of the most powerful shrines in all of the Five Great Nations. The ransom money will be a phenomenal amount, not to mention your uses in the meantime.

"Technically, I'm adopted."

"Regardless, He's very protective. Several of my comrades have been watching you for the last eight years. Even if you aren't his real daughter, he loves you like you are. Keh. Love. Such an idiotic and weak concept."

"No it's not. And anyway, Kōhī's entire family shrine burned down, and her whole family is dead. Even if it was still standing, she doesn't have any idea how to run a shrine, let alone the one that belonged to her family. It was huuuuge."

"An heiress of her shrine is exceedingly pure. Everything she does is touched with innocence."

"Uhh…"

"Shinto spirits have sympathized with her family for centuries. She is obviously blessed with their innocence, or she'd be as foul-mouthed and corrupted as you are."

"HEY! I take offense at that statement."

"With her, our endeavors will be helped by Shinto spirits, powerful Kami."

"You're one cynical little kid…."

"I'M THIRTEEN! I'M NOT LITTLE!"

"Says little miss flat-chested."

"SHUT UP!"

She sliced her hand through the air, and between the cell bars. She quickly formed a fist and punched me in the throat. I flew back, and Kōhī caught me.

"When…we…we get…get out…" I sputtered, "I…am going…to kick her ass."

* * *

><p><strong>3 DAYS LATER<strong>

_6 days in the desert._

They didn't give us much to drink, and gave us even less to eat. Natsūme wasn't coming out of her little coma, but she had begun to twitch irritably. Kōhī was starting to accommodate our clothing for the climate, ripping off anything and everything that wasn't necessary. Shirts became sleeveless, pants were made into shorts, and our bare patches of skin thanked her for the lack of heat-trapping clothes. Anything to cool us off. Next, she'd have us cutting off all our hair. Which might not be such a bad idea. We have no idea how long they'll be keeping us in this god-forsaken desert ruin before moving us closer to their hideout.

"Uhh…Ijōna?"

"What?"

"Look down the hall."

I wearily turned my head, and then perked up as I saw light sparking from deep in the darkness I knew as that hallway.

_Is that…Kakashi? Chidori?_

…

_Fuck. It's just Sasuke._

I heard Mist shinobi come running from all over the place, but they were easily thrown off by him. He looks aggravated as hell.

He came right up to our cell door, and hit the bars with an echoing clang that made my ears hurt.

"Sasuke? What the hell are you doing?"

"Breaking you out. What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Well, it sounds like you're trying to shatter out eardrums!" I yelled over another loud clang.

His strikes to the bars weren't doing much.

"Shut up."

"You aren't doing much with the sword. Why don't you try something that _doesn't _permanently make me deaf?"  
>"Like what?" he growled.<p>

"Chidori, dumbass."

"Shut up."

"TEME!"

He glared at me, and was about to perform chidori when Keito popped out of nowhere. (She's pretty good at that…) Following her out of her hidey-hole was a bunch of Keito minions. We'd found out by now that they were the Special Forces of this place.

"Oh fuck," I said, causing him to stop and raise one eyebrow. I didn't bother to warn him, instead just sitting down. Why bother wasting energy standing when he's not going to break us out?

I watched as the swarm of girls attacked him, and took him down. As they pounced on him, Natsūme randomly began to scream like a maniac. I jumped, and toppled backwards, hitting my head on the cell doors for the umpteenth time. I laid there, dazed. After a few minutes, I sat up slowly, trying to fight off the dizziness. My head spun, and I had that ten-second-phase you get when you stand up too fast, and you can't see and your head feels funny.

Sasuke was chained up with the same chains that I'd been wearing when we showed up here.

Huh. I never realized they were gone…when did I get those off?

He was glaring at Natsūme, who had stopped screaming, but was curled in on herself, convulsing. Kōhī was in the corner, covering herself up; suddenly shy of her exposing clothes now that there was somebody else here. Even if it was the asexual freak.

Seriously. That's what Kakashi thinks, and I do too. He told me once. He said and I quote:

"_I'm beginning to believe that Sasuke's asexual, and will eventually split and repeat like some sort of angst-ridden amoeba to revive the Uchiha clan."_

I didn't stop laughing for hours.

"Sasuke…"

"What?" he snapped. I took advantage of his being chained up, and slapped him. **Hard. **The second I did, Natsūme growled. Or screamed. Does she have some sort of sixth fangirl sense that tells her whenever Sasuke gets attacked or something? I disregarded her, and kept glaring at Sasuke, who now had an angry red hand mark on his face, standing out against his pale face.

"So, teme. You're too weak to hold off a bunch of thirteen-year old girls?"

"Shut up."

"You're the one who's stuck in here 'cause you can't- wait…"

"What?" he growled.

"Why're you here anyway?"

"Rescue mission."

"They sent you. **Just** you."

"Well…no…not exactly….."

"THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE ALONE?" I screamed in his face.

"Everyone else was in my way and wasting time."

"Haven't you learned by now that staying with your team is best? Otherwise you show up, get your ass kicked, and now look like an arrogant bastard."

"Shut up!"

"Teme!"

"Bitch!"

"Can the two of you be quiet? I'm dizzy and have a headache." Kōhī complained.

Suddenly, Natsūme busted out screaming again. I tried not to laugh at the irony.

Sasuke and I turned our heads to look at her, while Kōhī covered her ears and leaned back against the wall wearily. "How long does she usually scream?" Sasuke yelled.

"Not this long-WHOA! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

A dark gold glimmer was rising from Natsūme's body, and settled to float beside her. Natsūme's screams abruptly stopped as the gold-ness was completely separated from her body.

The shadow began to solidify, into a tall humanoid figure.

As she fleshed out, she stood menacingly, growling down at Natsūme's body.

She had long tawny-blonde hair that hung almost loose, bound at the end by a leather cord. She had wild golden eyes, with blood-red, full lips. And sharp teeth. She wore a shirt made of stitched together pieces of leather, in several different colors. It only had one sleeve, which was off-the-shoulder. The other side reached up to wrap around her neck like a collar, with an angular cut out around her neck, exposing a lot of her upper cleavage. Her mid-riff was uncovered, a skirt made of stitched-together fur pelts, which were made of fluffy cat fur, in calico and golden tabby color. Her long, tan legs had leather shin-guards, with a large piece of leather on each leg from ankle to knee, with a circular straps design on her calves holding them on. Otherwise, she was barefoot. A long leather whip was wrapped up, attached to her waist with another leather cord. A weird spiral pattern was on her stomach, like a series of curved lines coming from her navel and branching of to make a circle, of sorts. She was the personified image of wild and seductive.

She saw me, and hissed.

"Don't make me hurt you again." She snapped.

"…..Again?"

She padded over to Sasuke, walking on the balls of her feet, with feral grace. She knelt behind him, a knee on either side of his back. Her arms wrapped loosely around his shoulders.

"Yes, again. How dare you hurt my Sasuke-kun, you bitch?" she growled.

"…because he's annoying."

While all of this happened, I saw Sasuke flushing a bit, and looking down nervously, to the side. A bit like Hinata around Naruto, actually. But without the whole shyness feel.

I looked at him for a moment, before it clicked.

HOLY CRAP! HE ISNT ASEXUAL!

I gasped, and then glared at the weird cat girl, and that's when I realized she also had kitty ears. Pointy, golden-brown, cat ears.

I tried not to laugh, finding the combination of cat girl's ears and Sasuke's arousal almost hysterical.

"Uhhh….Sasuke…pfft…pfft….who's this."

"I don't know!"

"My name is Akuma-Neko."

"…We'll stick with Akuma." I said back to the girl.

"Whatever. My name is Akuma-Neko, and Sasuke belongs to me."

"…Then why exactly are you…all….in Natsūme….chan…."

"Because-"

"OUKASHOU!" came a scream from above.

"What the-"I said, as we all looked up at the ceiling in confusion.

The ceiling crashed down on top of us, and Sasuke made a mad dive to cover Natsūme's unconscious body with his own. I dived for the blanket pile, where Kōhī had already burrowed herself.

A series of crashes came from above us, as the ceiling began to fall.

After a minute, the pounding stopped. A few more minutes, and the last chunk of concrete fell. I crawled out of the blankets, where Kōhī was still all tangled up. I stood, and stared upwards into the blinding lights. Looking around, I saw Akuma standing over Sasuke, holding one arm up to guard herself. A massive chunk of cement had broken on her arm, saving both Sasuke and Natsūme.

I almost began to laugh with relief. We were actually the hell free! I looked up into the sun, where I was blinded, when suddenly I was being suffocated with a bone-crushing hug.

"Oh….crap…can't….breathe….person…who's hugging me..." I couldn't tell who was hugging me, but I had the notion that it was Kakashi.

"Ijōna…I was so worried. Don't you ever fucking do that again." He said desperately, crushing me into his chest. Even though it hurt like hell…it was sweet. I hugged him back, and almost broke down crying.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry," I cried, burrowing my face into his shoulder. He picked me up, and I leaned against his shoulder. He held me bridal style, but it wasn't romantic, if that's what you're thinking. It's just a really touching father-daughter moment right now.

"So…who else came on this rescue mission?" I murmured.

"It was Sasuke, Sakura, Kiba, Shikamaru, Mokota, Kankuro, and Temari."

"Who's the last three?"

"Kankuro and Temari are from the Sand Village, siblings of the Kazekage. You should know that."

"I've never been able to meet them, and I'm so hungry I'm close to forgetting my name."

"Hahaha…..that's plausible. Mokota is from the Hokage's office."

"Oh…well I know her. Moko-chan used to baby-sit Natsume when we all went over there."

I looked over to Kōhī, who was being helped up by a tall guy in a black outfit, three scrolls on his back, and a black hood with kitty ear-lookin things.

What's with the world and kitty ears today?

She stood up, and looked up to thank him, when her face went slack, and she had a completely dumbstruck expression.

After a minute of staring, she hit him so hard in the face that his hood flew off. Her hand came away with purple paint on her knuckles.

_No…it's not…_

Then she squealed like a fangirl and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a hard kiss on the lips. It was a violent move, completely unlike her. She broke away, blushing, then she collapsed, and he caught her. I squinted as the glare off her sand headband hit my eyes, smiling as I heard him laughing. He must have recognized her.

_Yep. It was._

Turning the other way, I saw Sasuke holding Natsūme bridal style, holding her away from Akuma, who was staring at her with a murderous look. Sakura was pulling her hair in a ponytail, and beginning to try and heal Natsūme. Natsūme groaned, and Akuma doubled over. Her image began to fade, and all at once she seemed to disappear in a gold cloud. The cloud disappeared into Natsūme's chest, and she screamed loudly, before jerking awake, saying something about cats, and passing out again.

"Well…umm…that was interesting…" Sakura said, holding her glowing hands away from Natsūme like she was going to bite.

"Crap like that has been happening for the last week." I called to her. She nodded, and began to heal Natsūme again, muttering darkly about head wounds and freaky possessions.

"I thought you said Shika and Moko-chan were here…"

"They're with the Kazekage in Suna."

"Oh…"

Kakashi strode over to Kiba.

"Can you take her on Akamaru?"

"Sure!" he flashed a bright smile, and took me from Kakashi, and helped me onto Akamaru. I closed my eyes, and started to daze out, still listening to Kiba and Kakashi.

"Listen, Kiba. If you do anything, touch her or anything that makes her uncomfortable, I will kill you and make it look like an accident."

"Yeah. I got it, Kaka-sensei." I smiled to myself. That Keito kid was right. He is really protective.

Kiba climbed up behind me, and nervously began to talk. "Umm, I have to put my arms around you to make sure you won't fall off…"

"It's fine." I whispered, as he wrapped one arm around my waist, and used the other to hold on to Akamaru's fur. I saw as Sakura carried Natsūme on her back, and Kankuro took the also unconscious Kōhī bridal style. As the entire group began to run, I realized how flashy my clothes (or lack thereof) were, and quickly dismissed it, choosing instead to fall asleep. I leaned back into Kiba, and he tensed for a moment, before relaxing and wrapping his arm tighter around me.

_I didn't think Shika was attractive. I don't think Kiba is attractive. I'm just tired and he's warm and his body feels good to sleep on-Oh fuck it. I admit. Right now I'm really freaking attracted to Kiba. And Shika-kun._

_Shit._

I pushed those thoughts away, and snuggled into Kiba, burrowing my face into the corner of his shoulder and neck, and fell asleep.


	6. Stupid Boys, Stupid Fight

**I co-wrote this chapter with my friend and fellow kunoichi, Vicki. Or uhhh…. Kiri-kohai. Yurp. That's it. Kiri-kohai. So, enjoy! Oh, and make sure to check out her Shika-OC oneshot on Quizilla . teennick . com. Her screenname is xxrockxleexluverxx**

I woke up just as Suna was coming into view. My throat was dry, and my tongue felt swollen from lack of water. My stomach clenched painfully from hunger. My head was pounding, and I felt like I would fall off Akamaru any second now. The only reason I wasn't toppling from the dog was Kiba's arm that pressed me close to his chest. I blinked slowly, and felt Kiba start as my eyelashes brushed against his skin, tickling his neck. I tried to sit up, but couldn't find any strength to. All I ended up doing was falling back into Kiba's arms, where he held me tight since I had almost fallen off Akamaru. His leather jacket was warm against my skin, the zippers burning.

"You awake?"

"Yeah...Can you help me sit up? You're burning me with your zippers."

"Hahaha, sorry. You feelin okay?"

"Nuh-uh. Not even a little."

"What's up? If you're gonna be sick, I'll if ya need me to."

"No…I'm just….not good."

"Oh, kay. We're almost there. Don't worry, Sakura'll fix ya when we get to Suna."

"Mmhmm…." I murmured. My head was pounding with the rhythm of Akamaru's footfalls. Nevertheless, I didn't want to get off. It was soothing in a way. No matter how much my head hurt.

* * *

><p>Kiba carried me up the stairs, Kankuro and Sakura stomping up after us. When the door opened, I saw three soft bed-couch-chaise-table things. Kiba set me on the closest one. The cushion ns were cold and rough against my sunburned arms. I looked over to see Natsūme still passed out, and Kōhī talking in her sleep. Kankuro was actually sitting on the floor beside her, holding her hand.<p>

Sakura was kneeling over Natsūme, and I heard the faint buzz of her healing jutsu. Moko-chan (who's barely a year older than us, but waaaaay more mature) was setting up funky little IVs for us. She was also doling out water bottles to everyone.

"Hey…"

"Yeah?" answered Sakura, who was closest to me. I may hate her, but I need to know stuff, don't I?

"Kakashi said Shika-kun was here."

"He's with Gaara. They should be here soon."

"They're actually on their way now. I was with them when you arrived. That's them now." Moko-chan said, handing me a water bottle, which I desperately gulped down. I could actually breathe without it hurting now.

The large door opened, and Shikamaru walked in, followed by Naruto and a pale-skinned red-head who must have been the Kazekage, Gaara.

…I can't restrain myself.

"Hey! Gaara! How's life without eyebrows?"

Gaara looked at me with an exasperated expression, but Naruto busted out laughing.

"He said that to Gaara years ago. He bragged about it for a month," Sakura explained, holding her buzzing hands over my head.

"What're you doing to my head, Pinky?"

"Well, I noticed that Kiba's shoulder was covered in blood. And since he has no wounds, and you were the only person on his shoulder, the blood obviously came from you."

"I have a head wound?"

"And a lot of them. You've cracked your skull against stuff a lot lately. You're even gashed to the bone over here." She explained, centering her buzzing-ness to an area above my right temple.

"I'm not surprised," Kakashi commented from where he was leaning against the back of the couch.

'Shut up, Kakashi." I laughed, then winced as I bumped my head on the arm of the couch. "Owwwww…."

Sakura grasped my chin, and pulled it down so she could see my head batter. "Stop moving, baka."

"Yes, _mother_." I said sarcastically. I noticed how Kakashi tensed when I said that, but ignored it, instead focusing on Shika and Gaara.

"-troublesome woman." I heard Shika say, gesturing towards me. Gaara nodded, and turned the other way to talk to Moko-chan. I swear, absolutely SWEAR, I saw him smile as she talked to him.

Shika came over, and squatted next to the couch so he was about level than me.

"Heeey…..Shika-kun….."

He just rolled his eyes, sighing, and simply replying, "Troublesome woman… You need to be more careful."

I glared and growled slightly and snapped, "Hey, it's not my fucking fault I got kidnapped by some damn people that I don't even know! They frickin drugged me, for Kami's sake!"

He just smirked and stood up again. "Hey Sakura," he said smugly, "I think she's either fine, or has serious head problems, because she seems to be even more foul-mouth than usual. Maybe you should check her extra carefully, just to be sure." I heard Kiba snickering at Shika's comment. I shot a glare at him, making him shut up instantly. Believe me, if looks could kill, he'd be dead on the spot. I smirked as he slowly backed away from my area, a totally terrified expression on his face. His look was priceless: 0.0' Total hilarity!

I heard Sakura standing and saying, "All done, Ijōna. You really need to try not to hit your head so much."

I sighed over-dramatically, complaining, "I already told you, it's not my frickin fault! They fucking drugged me, so my fucking senses were all jacked up! Plus I had to find some way to escape! It so happened that running into shit was more or less part of my plans."

Shika scoffed and said, "Sure, keep telling yourself that. Troublesome woman…"

"Shut the fuck up, you stupid-ass fuck!" I yelled, chunking the water-bottle at his head. I was truly pissed off. He ducked, and the metal bottle crashed into the wall, sticking out of the wall. It was lodged deep _into the sheetrock._

I'm surprised it didn't shatter.

"Hey, calm down!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"It's not my fault-"

"Grrrrrrgrrrrrrrgrrrrrrr….." I heard a deep growling sound from behind me, and then saw Kiba move in front of me.

"Oh…hey…uh…Kiba, what exactly are you doing…" I said nervously.

"Shut up, Shikamaru. She obviously doesn't want to listen to your crap. Take your stupid little 200 IQ self out of here before I end up doing something I know I won't regret." He said darkly.

I opened my eyes wide, surprised.

_Well then…ummm….what the hell is going on here?_

"Um...Kiba….What are you doing?" I asked, still kinda nervous.

"Look, I understand what she's saying, so you just need to calm-"

"I need to calm down? What about you? You're the one who was yelling at Ijōna!"

"She chunked a metal bottle at my fucking head! What do you expect me to do, bow down and give her the royal treatment?"

"Hey! Guys! I'm right the hell here!" I yelled, throwing a pillow at the back of Kiba's head. And none too gently either. And he didn't even budge. In fact, he didn't seem to even notice, because they just kept yelling at each other like nobody else was even there. Which they were. They were staring in disbelief. I'm pretty sure Sakura would have tried to move me out of the danger zone if Akamaru wasn't ready to kill her the second she got within three feet of me.

Which sucked, by the way. My head was throbbing. I could have appreciated her healing sedatives right about now. And I usually despise it when she's within hearing distance of me. Let alone touching distance. This is probably a once-in-a-lifetime moment.

Someone should write this down.

"No, I don't expect that. But I do expect you to at least try and be nice to her! Your lazy ass may not be able to handle women, but you could at least be smart enough to know when a girl is having monthly mood prob-"

He couldn't finish his sentence. He never had the chance. Sakura had kicked Akamaru out of the way, jumped the five feet all the way to Kiba, and completely smashed the dead center of his face. I heard his nose crunch. He doubled over, and was about to fall backwards onto me, when I kicked him hard in the base of the spine, and he flew into Shikamaru. They flew backwards into the wall, a distance of maybe twenty feet. They smashed through it, and into the next room, which just so happened to be Gaara's office, where Moko-chan and Gaara had disappeared a few minutes before this little "altercation."

They were somewhat entangled, leaning against Gaara's desk, Moko-chan flushed and breathless. Shika and Kiba were staring, and Naruto had bent down to stare through the hole with a gaping mouth. I stared blankly. I'm pretty sure we all were.

I tried not to laugh at Gaara's face. From what I've heard, he doesn't make very expressional faces much, besides anger and boredom. This: priceless. He was red-faced, and his eyes were wide. He was biting his lip. It was cute, because he looked so scared and embarrassed. I tried not to laugh, but failed. I let out a giggle, then shoved my fist in my mouth and buried my face in the pillow. I looked back up just as Moko-chan and Gaara quickly pulled away from each other, too embarrassed to even look each other in the eye.

**crickets**

"Well," Sai said, clearing his throat, "This is awkward."

I was trying not to laugh harder, since the irony of _Sai _pointing the obvious emotional awkwardness out was almost too much to bear. Sakura was still muttering to herself darkly. I swear I could see smoke curling out of her ears.

"Mooooooooooorniiiiiiiiiiiin'" We all turned towards the high, sing-songy voice of Kōhī as she woke up groggily from her oh-so-peaceful slumber, slurring her words as she woke up. "Whass everybody doin?"

That was when someone that actually _knew_ what was going on decided to speak.

"WE JUST SAW GAARA AND MOKOTA MAKING OUT IN-" Naruto had started to speak in his obnoxiously loud voice, before he was interrupted by me beaning him in the head with a pillow.

I scrambled across the room, and hissed in his ear. "We don't say thing like that around her. She is innocent, the only one of us who is. We are keeping it that way. If you ever say things like that around her again, you will wake castrated the next morning!"

"What's castrated mean?" he said, still too loudly. I slapped my hand over his mouth, and almost ripped his head off his shoulders.

"It means you'll wake up unable to have kids. No being 'happy.' Got it?"

"….happy?"

I groaned inwardly.

"You're a fucking idiot. It means that you'll wake up unable to….ssshwassshs" I whispered in his ear, highly embarrassed that I had to say it. Kakashi was trying not to laugh, since as a jonin, he could still hear me. I shot him a dirty look as Naruto slowly backed away from me, like a scared dog with its tail between its legs. Speaking of dogs….

"What the hell is wrong with you, Kiba? Saying shit like that is gonna get you punched. Obviously!" I yelled.

Kiba flinched, unable to reply in any way. I heard Shika groan from underneath Kiba as he pushed him off and sat up.

"What the hell just happened? The last thing I remember was seeing Kiba flying towards me like some sort of rabid squirrel."

"Rabid dog, actually." I said, matter-of-factly, earning a glare from Kiba, which I returned. He flinched and looked at his feet.

Good doggy.

Smirking triumphantly, I turned back to Shika and stated, "You both were fighting… Over ME. Me! Of all people, and I wanna know why. So start talkin' smarty-butt."


	7. He likes you, idiot

**Also co-written with Kiri-kohai. Who's well on her way to being Kiri-chan. :) **

**Disclaimer: Neither I or Kiri own this awesomeness known as Naruto. **sighs sadly****

"Uhhh….." Shika stalled, obviously searching for a good excuse in that pineapple headed brain of his.

Suddenly, Kakashi interrupted.

"We should get going soon. Tomorrow morning, before the sun's too high in the sky."

"Kakashi! I was trying to get an answer-"

"Too bad. Time for bed." And then he picked me up, grabbed Sakura by the back of her shirt, and started to walk off. Damn him and his fatherly attitude.

I tried to wiggle out of his grip, but it didn't work, Sakura was fighting too, but was having even less success than I was. He dumped us in another room, which had four beds, one of which had Moko-chan's stuff strewn all over it, but had obviously not been slept in.

Not saying she's don't anything, but I don't think she's slept anywhere but Gaara's bed. Not that anything's happened, but a sort of cuddling thing is probably going on. She's more responsible than we are, and _we_ haven't done anything.

He closed the door, and Sakura started laughing so hard she almost collapsed on the floor.

"That….was so….hahahahahaha…HILARIOUS!" She howled, cracking up all over the place.

"What?" I was just the tiniest bit confused at why she was laughing so hard, so of course I was curious. "Tell me, now!" I demanded. I hated being left out, and when I was left out, someone tends to end up hurt in some way. Especially if whatever's going on is obviously about me.

"That…hahaha…were fighting over you….AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHY! BAHAHAHAHAHA!" She was literally screaming with laughter. She was acting so crazy; I don't understand why I don't like her.

"Yeah I don't know why. I've been locked up for a week. AND I'm blonde. I'm not supposed to be smart."

This launched her into another fit of giggles.

"I will hurt you."

She sobered up slowly, but at least she was calming her little girly self back down.

"Both of them have liked you for forever."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah! And they were worried as hell the entire time you were gone. They've been on edge for a week. Annoying as hell when we're all in the desert, too."

"Then why does Shika-kun always call me troublesome? He didn't even want to take the job to watch me for Kakashi!"

"Kakashi asked_ me_ to watch you. Shikamaru interrupted us on the street, and actually _volunteered _to do it. Because I was 'overloaded with work' apparently. Not that he's ever cared before. And calling you troublesome? He calls _everyone _troublesome. And he calls you troublesome affectionately. It's his pet name for you. Just like you call him Shika."

I stared blankly. "And Kiba?"

She rolled her eyes, replying in a shouldn't-that-be-obvious voice, "Haven't you ever noticed how protective he is over you? Like a… Uhh… a puppy and its master!"

"…Do you have any idea how perverted that sounds?"

"Yeah, but it's not supposed to be. It's actually really cute."

"I don't care, it still sounds fucking creepy…"

"You seriously hang around Kakashi-sensei and his stupid Icha Icha books too much…"

"Weeeell… he _is_ kinda my adopted dad…"

She rolled her eyes and playfully punched my arm. It took all I had not to punch her back… but not as playfully… and not in the arm…more like in the facial area.

And hard.

Vehemently, viciously, and BRUTALLY. Punch her. In the face.

I just couldn't stand her stupid girly attitude. How Naruto ever put up with it was beyond even me.

I yawned rather loudly as I said-or at least attempted to say, "I'm goin to bed… I call the one in the corner!" I jumped- literally, _jumped_- onto the bed, passing out almost instantly. That stupid drug did more to me than I thought.

* * *

><p>-Next day-<p>

* * *

><p>I hate- no, scratch that… LOATHE- Sakura. She fucking woke me up at the butt crack of dawn by opening the curtains in the room, letting in the oh-so-pleasant sunshine. I heard birds singing, something I didn't expect in the desert.<p>

Birds in the morning. How quaint. How sweet. How cute. How utterly fucking annoying.

I yanked the covers over my head, because I was warm and snuggly and didn't want to move. But oohh noooooo….We couldn't have that, now could we? Sakura grabbed my feet, and started yanking on the comforter. When _that _didn't work, she just yanked the whole burrito-me off the bed and dropped me on the floor. Then she ran out of the room and I chased after her, realizing far too late that she had changed me into my pajamas at some point during the night, which was really just one of Kakashi's oversized sweatshirts. That and a pair of short shorts. As I skidded to a stop, I had already run into a room where everybody was. I froze, and stood awkwardly in very little clothing.

"Good morning!" I chirped, flushing. I tried to ignore Kiba, who was all but drooling like a dog in heat, and Shika, who was pointedly looking away, his entire face red. Kakashi had his hand exasperatedly on his face, like he'd face-palmed himself. Naruto was staring, like his little perverted self. I walloped him in the head with the nearest throw able object, which happened to be a large clay paper weight. I'm pretty sure I broke his nose.

"Ummm…." Kiba stuttered nervously, "H-hey, Ijōna…"

Kankuro, who just happened to want to say something stupid, said "Woah… Hello there… you do know your hair's a total mess, right?"

I walked up and just slapped him in the face. "Thank you Captain Obvious… What else do you think I'll look like after I've been woken up by a pink-haired, girly-ass, fucking Sasuke-loving bitch who thinks she's all that and more?"

Kankuro made sure to shut up after that. His eyes got wide and he slowly backed up, hiding a little behind Temari.

"Smart, puppet-boy," Temari scoffed at him. I glared at him, before I realized he was looking me up and down. Slowly too… So I obviously had no choice but to jump forward (Temari helpfully moved out of my way) and smashed hard into his chest with my shoulder. He flew backwards, and we smashed into the wall. I rebounded back, and skidded backwards on the sandy floor, before standing up and calmly brushing myself off. He was still rolling around on the floor, moaning in pain.

I squatted down next to him, and licked my thumb. I rubbed my finger down his face, deliberately screwing up his face paint, straight down his forehead to his nose.

(**a/n Kankuro has his pre-time skip face paint. The kind during the Chunin exams.**)

I wiped my hand on his black tunic thing, and stood up again.

"We can all keep oogling me, or you can shut your jaws and keep all the pretty teeth you're showing me," I snarled.

Kiba opened his mouth to say something (Probably being 'protective' like Sakura was blathering about last night) when Kakashi hit Naruto (who was still oogling me with a retarded look on his face) so hard I heard a tooth crack.

"Holy shit." Was all Kiba said, instead of what he was going to say. Or maybe he _was _going to say that, but now he meant it about the cracking-tooth instead of my (lack of) clothes. While Sakura groaned and went over to fix a wailing Naruto and scold Kakashi, I walked out of the room to go back and change.

I was halfway down the hall when I heard Shikamaru say something about needing to use the bathroom. The door opened behind me, and I heard it close again. He followed me quickly down the hallway, catching up with me.

Okay, Sakura's right. If he's actually _trying_ to catch up to me using _energy_, he's gotta like me.

"You okay?" he asked, worried.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You did smash into Kankuro pretty hard. You didn't hurt your shoulder did you?"

"No. I didn't."

"Oh…"

"So…umm…Shika…"

"Hmmm?"

"Sakura…kinda…sorta…told me…that…ummm…." I nervously looked at my feet as I trudged down the hallway, not exactly sure how to put what I wanted to say into words.

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow, waiting with an idle expression on his face for me to finish.

"She said… well… that you… l-like me…" the last part was whispered to where Shika could possibly only barely hear.

I guessed that he did hear, because his face became slightly pink, but he still asked, "What did you say?"

_Of course… he would make me say it again…_ Rather quickly, I said again, "!"

Shika seemed to definitely get it that time. His expression: blank. With slightly red cheeks.

He only said, "Ummm… wow…" before there was an awkward silence.

Unfortunately, I took that the wrong way and just muttered, "This is why I hate Saku-frickin-ra!" before running back to my room, angry at myself for even mentioning what Sakura told me to Shikamaru, of all people! I'm pretty sure that if I told Kiba, he'd glomp me and try to kiss me right away.

I'm a teenage girl with raging hormones. It's obviously what I want. Someone as smart as Shika-kun should know that. I mean, GEEZ! What else should he expect! A signed invitation?

When I got to my room, Sakura was nowhere in sight, so I slammed the door… HARD… and it consequently fell off the hinges. I really didn't care about the door, but I picked it back up anyways and set it against the frame. I stomped over to my bed, and picked up the pile of crap Sakura had brought for me to wear. At least it was actually MY stuff and wasn't PINK. I changed into a pair of black leggings, and pulled off the old sweatshirt. I was halfway through yanking on my dark blue tunic dress thing, when my arm got stuck.

"Dammit….miffer…..retarded….I HATE DRESS THINGIES!" I yelled, and almost ripped the silky fabric apart. My arm twisted behind my head, the other straight up. I looked like some sort of demented go-go dancer. It was embarrassing. I wiggled back and forth, trying to shimmy the damn thing down.

*knock*

_Whoosh_

*crash*

The door crashed to the floor, and a resounding thud echoed throughout the building.

Shikamaru was standing in the doorway, hand raised like he'd knocked on the door, which he obviously had, because it was sitting casually on the floor. I shrieked, and ripped my arms out of the dress to cover my chest. Shika turned cherry red, eyes wide, and whipped to turn the other way.

I grabbed another shirt, and launched for the bed in the corner, which was conveniently out of the way of the door. I quickly put this shirt on, because for some reason everything goes easier when awkward.

_I hate karma. I must have been reeeeeally bad in another life._

I jumped off the bed, and yanked the ends of the tunic down, and realized it was like Sakura's old one from when we were kids, but dark blue with the Uzumaki symbol on it like Chunin vests.

Really? Really. That's….just…awesome. (Sarcasm. Obviously. This is where I roll my eyes.)

I walked to the doorway, and nervously cleared my throat. "Heeey….Shika…"

Wow I say that a lot. Strange.

Shika cautiously turned around, afraid I was gonna pummel him for seeing me as I was changing. He seemed very relieved when I didn't.

"Hey Ijōna, sorry about that. I really didn't know that would happen," he said awkwardly, gesturing to the door that was now on the ground. I just noticed a small crack in it from when I had slammed it. Whoopsie…

"Pfft," I waved it away like it was nothing. "Its fine Shika… it's actually my fault for that. Need to learn to… control… my anger towards things other than doors or people." I laughed nervously, not exactly sure what to say next.

"Yeah…so about what you said earlier…"

"Oh-um….it was nothing. Just something Sakura said last night that I took too seriously."

"But-"

"But what, Shikamaru?" I actually used his full first name, something I rarely do. I'm just pissed off, exasperated, and really wish it had been Kiba who had 'needed to use the bathroom' and stalked me down the hall.

"I-"

"You what? I could see I embarrassed you. It's fine."

"Ijōna-"

"What?"

"If you would just give me a minute to freaking _talk and explain_-"

"You don't need to explain, Shikamaru!" I turned around, desperately in need of a place to hide for an hour. And cry. Or something equally helpful in letting out frustration. My back was facing him, and I was ready to storm off, when he grabbed me by the arm. I tried to twist out of his grip, but that only spun me to face him. He jerked me to face him, and I growled like a feral cat. I was about to kick him in his "nether regions" when he grabbed my other arm and pulled me into a warm embrace.

"Shika-what're you-"

"Shut up." He growled, and then crushed his lips onto mine. My eyes went wide and I didn't know what to think. One second, I was furious at Shika for something I don't even remember anymore and now I'm kissing him? I have a seriously messed up life…

But I can't say I'm not liking it.

I kissed him back, slowly moving my arms from where they were being crushed by how hard he was hugging me, to wrap them around his neck. I closed my eyes, enjoying the moment to the fullest.

I felt his arms slip slowly around my waist, pulling me closer (if that was even possible) to him, deepening the kiss even more. Nothing could ruin this perfect moment.

Except…

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"

That. Of course those two just had to show up, at this moment of all times.

Shika and I pulled away quickly, both of our faces flushed, trying to hide it from the angry Kiba and even angrier Kakashi. We were screwed. Big time.


	8. Catfights and Dogfights

**Holy. Crap. This has gone in such a different direction than the original Flying Kunai, it's crazy! But this chapter wasn't co-written with Kiri-kohai, btw. Ttyl luv ya!**

**Oh, and check out my deviantart. My username on it is OneThousandMoons.**

* * *

><p>Kiba, he just looked plain mad. Slightly red-faced, snarling a little at Shika-kun, the works. But Kakashi… I can't even describe what he was like. It was like a mix of Tsunade and Sakura's anger. And that's BAD.<p>

I flinched as Kakashi's eye narrowed, and I hid behind Shika, who was standing there awkwardly. I peeked over his shoulder, standing on the balls of my feet. This somehow was able to make them even madder.

"Come. Here. Now." Kakashi said in a deadly voice. I ducked behind Shika, and slowly moved to stand by Kakashi, who was practically fuming.

"umm… h-hi Kakashi…" I stammered awkwardly. My life is gonna be hell after this.

At that moment, Kiba was obviously doing his best not to maul Shika for kissing me. He actually almost lunged for Shika, but I kicked him in the shin, and he instead had to focus on not falling to the floor screaming in pain like a little girl.

"It's time to go." Kakashi said curtly, and dragged me out by my collar, leaving the boys alone together.

"But, Kakashi, my stuff's in there-"

"Sakura will get it."

"And Kiba and Shika-kun will kill each other if we leave them alone together! You saw how pissed Kiba was!"

"Well Nara shouldn't have been touching you then."

"Kakashi!"

"Look! You're too young to be doing shit like that! And you need to focus on training and missions if you're going to become a great kuniochi or pass the Jonin exam."

"Kakashi, I'm seventeen. It's not like I'm fourteen! And I have been training hard. If you haven't noticed, I can kick Sasuke's ass!"

"Sasuke's not a jonin!"

"That is just about the weakest argument I've ever heard. He _killed Itachi Uchiha_." I stressed.

"That's beside the point."

"THAT'S TOTALLY THE POINT!" I yelled, flailing in exasperation. 'YOU'RE A JONIN AND HE'S KICKED YOUR ASS!" I whined, glaring at him.

"He has not!"

'Whatever! Ugh! Why can't I kiss a guy! I happen to really like Shika!"

"You can't because I said so!"

"That's the lamest excuse ever invented!"

"Doesn't mean I can't use it. Now move." He said, pushing me into the main room again.

"Kakashi! It's rude! You're treated me like a child!"

"You are a child!"

"No I'm not!"

"Then why are you whining?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING MEAN!"

I stomped my foot, and crossed my arms over my chest, and Kakashi and I glared at each other, a strained and heated silence surrounding us.

Which was quickly ruined by Natsūme's howling laughter from where she sat between Sakura and Sasuke, both of whom were shooting furtive glares at her and each other.

"That…HAHAHAHAHA….SO…HAHAHAHA…HILARIOUS! You're fighting like twelve-year olds!" she cried, laughing herself silly. We all stared at her, my eyes shooting daggers.

I stormed over to her, and bitch-slapped her across the face. She slapped me back, and we were quickly rolling around on the floor like a couple of Academy students trying to pass taijutsu training.

We were laughing maniacally, and eventually broke apart, breathless. I gasped for air, and I felt like my heart was going to thunder out of my chest. I choked, and started to crack up again, and sat up. I was gasping for air, when Kiba and Shika walked in. Shikamaru's lip was busted, and Kiba had a few bruises on his arms and legs. I groaned inwardly, and face palmed myself. I knew we shouldn't have left them alone.

Kakashi just glared at Shikamaru, and gruffly yanked me up by my collar, yanking me into a chair, where he explicitly stood guard over me, daring anyone to come near me.

"You could have just asked me to get up!"

"Humph."

* * *

><p>An hour and a half later, we were all getting ready to make the trek back across the sandy desert. Kōhī would be running part of the time, the rest being carried on either Sakura's or Kankuro's back. Natsūme would be riding on Akaishi with me. The rest were running like normal people. Kankuro was "escorting" us back across the desert, for god knows what reason.<p>

Akaishi was being particularly antsy around Natsūme, who was complaining about a chronic headache. I chalked it up to Natsūme's never having been very loving towards Akaishi, and the desert heat. I helped her up, and jumped on in front of her. Suddenly, a sharp pain went through my head, and I heard Natsūme's voice go cold, and oddly feral.

"Get me the fuck off this dog!" she hissed, and I recognized it as Akuma's voice. I toppled off, and as soon as I wasn't touching Natsūme anymore, the pain disappeared. And then Natsūme fell on top of me, but it didn't hurt.

"Thank Kami. That dog smells horrible." She said, and I saw her eyes were golden, which clashed awkwardly with her skin.

"HEY! You two! You okay?" Sakura called from where she was trying to get all the sand out of her sandals.

"We're fine!" I yelled back. I glared at Akuma-Natsūme, and whisper hissed, "Fine. I'll get a feline demon to ride. And you better not complain. Got it?"

"Shut up or I'll give you another pretty scar like that one right there." She pointed towards my chest, and my eyes widened.

"You…did…this?" I said incredulously, pointing towards my chest.

"OI! WHATCHA GIRLS TALKIN ABOUT?" Naruto yelled mischievously from where he was. I glared, not liking what he was insinuating about the chest-pointing-thing. I was about to go over there and beat his ass, but Kiba kicked him in the head instead.

There's something to be said about the convenience of having guys who like you.

I turned back towards Natsūme-Akuma, who was wincing.

"What's wrong?"

"She fights to have consciousness. It's annoying. And it makes her head hurt, which doesn't help with how much I can stand her. That, and her body is constricting. She's so…short-OW!" She yelped, clutching the side of her head.

"Uhh…"

"She heard me call her short."

"Makes sense."

I dismissed Akaishi, and she faded away. I drew a seal in the sand, quickly performing the Summons before the sand shifted to blur my seal.

"Summoning of the Feline Beast!"

A giant explosion of smoke and sand erupted about 10 feet from me, and everybody ducked. I could hear Sakura scream from behind all the noise. Kankuro yelled something about an ambush, and a stream of Sand Nin exploded out of the entrance to Suna, to the surrounding desert where we were preparing to leave. I tried not to laugh.

The sand and smoke eventually cleared and settled, and I heard Natsūme-Akuma squeal with joy.

"RENSA-TORA!" She shrieked, and pounced onto the massive white tiger's muzzle.

I laughed, and turned to face everybody. "Go back! It's fine! He's mine!" I yelled, and the Sand Nin reluctantly returned through the village gates. Natsūme-Akuma was playfully swatting at Rensa-Tora's muzzle, when she began to growl incessantly.

"What now, Neko?" I said exasperatedly.

"Stupid bitch! You imprisoned Rensa-Tora!" she hissed, gesturing to the tiger's chain collar, which had links that were bigger than my head, each link wider than my body.

"No. She's free, that just how I summon her." I tapped on one of the grey metal bands, and it rung out sullenly across the desert plain. "So calm down and get on."

"…I can't."

"AAAUUUUUGGH! WHY NOT?" I yelled exasperatedly.

"Because her body is really short compared to my real one-owwwww…."

I took advantage of her momentary incapacitation to throw her onto Rensa-Tora. I clambered up after her, and took hold of one of the chain links. Natsūme-Akuma clenched Rensa-Tora's glossy white and black fur, trying to not fall off.

"HEY! Everybody ready?" I yelled to all the people gathering beside us. There was a collective "Yes!" from the crowd, but my eyes caught on Kōhī and Kankuro. He had his arm around her shoulder, and was standing too close to her for my liking. She looked slightly uncomfortable, trying to shy away from his touch. In my opinion, he was moving too fast, no matter how long she had been pining after him.

I glared at him, and he dropped his arm quickly. I gestured for him to come closer, ignoring Natsūme-Akuma's weird growls from behind me.

"Hey, puppet boy. Keep your hands to yourself. Or at least keep them from going anywhere inappropriate. Got it? She's my best friend. You do anything to make her feel weird, I will kill you and shove your head so far down in the sand that not even Gaara will be able to unbury you."

He opened his eyes wide, and backed up a little. Suddenly, Natsūme yelled, and then I noticed that she was passed out on Rensa-Tora's back, and Akuma was standing up beside her. She jumped off the tiger, landing beside Kankuro.

He stared at her, tongue hanging out slightly.

_Since when did Kankuro turn into Kiba?_

She looked him over, and smiled flirtatiously- and then executed the perfect flirtatious hair flip. "Hey," she said in a giggly cheerleader voice that didn't go with her leather clothes and whip at all.

"H-Hey…." He looked like he was drooling.

I don't want to go into details, because they're sickeningly sweet and feminine, and…._flirty.  
><em>But after a few minutes, Kankuro was pretty much in the palm of Akuma's hand.

Kōhī, however, was glaring at the viciously. I decided to take action. I punched Natsume, which caused her to jerk awake. Akuma disappeared into her little gold cloud as I slid off of Rensa-Tora's back to stand menacingly beside Kankuro.

"YOU'VE PISSED KŌHĪ OFF!" I yelled in his ear, and he jerked his head away from me. I slapped him across the face.  
>He fell to the ground, and I calmly shoved his face a foot below the sand, then took his scrolls and nonchalantly tossed them in three different directions before climbing back on Rensa-Tora, where Natsūme was boredly braiding the tiger's fur.<p>

* * *

><p>…<p>

Every time we stopped to rest, Kakashi refused to let anyone of the male variety anywhere near me.

Seriously.

Naruto had tried to give me a high-five, and Kakashi dropped him off a cliff. Literally.

Having a super-protective jonin dad is just awesome!

…

Sarcasm, obviously.

Shikamaru had stayed a safe distance away, smiling at me whenever he had the fleeting opportunity.

But Kiba kept _trying _to get close, sending Akamaru to sit by me anytime it was cold in a cave. It was cute, but also sad, because he had no chance.  
>The whole trip back was sullen and slow-going.<p>

* * *

><p>…<p>

We got separated by a sandstorm about a day and half through. We had planned for this, but the groups weren't right.  
>At all.<p>

I was with Sakura, Shikamaru, and Kiba.

…

Worst.  
>Combination.<br>Ever.

…

* * *

><p>Sakura and Shikamaru had gone scouting, which was a stupid thing to do in a desert. Kiba and Akamaru were off doing Kami knows what.<p>

I was back in the cliffs, trying to break open some sort of cave for shelter. This _was _the rendezvous place, after all.

I cracked open a small fissure, and smelled a damp, cool, watery scent.  
>Smiling to myself, I centered chakra in my foot, and kicked the fissure as hard as I could.<p>

The fissure spread like a spider web, little cracks spinning down the glassy black wall. I kicked again, and the brittle stone wall shattered.

"Obsidian is so delicate. Didn't even have to work that hard." I said to myself, smiling.

I walked into he cave, and smelled the water. I gleefully squealed at the sight of the pool.

"WATER! YES!"

I drank the last of the hot water in my bottle, then refilled it and dumped the icy liquid on my head. The icy water felt good, and tasted sweet.

I poured it over myself until my hair was dripping and my shoulders were wet.

"Good job, Ijōna."

I shrieked in surprise, and toppled over into the water.

_Huh. It's deeper than I thought._

I surfaced, and swam to the edge. I looked to see Kiba holding out a hand to help me.

"Thanks." I gripped his hand, and clambered over the edge of the pool. I was even wetter now. The dress was dripping over my legs, and was almost as heavy as I was. My shorts had already been dragged off by the weight of water in the pool. The dress clung to my skin, and goose bumps fan up and down my bare legs and hips.

Kiba's eyes were bugging out of his head.

I blushed, and awkwardly crossed my arms over my chest. "Sooooo….." I said, trying to break the uncomfortable silence.

"Where's Akamaru?"

"Standing guard." He replied.

"….Guard? Why?"

"'Cause I need to talk to you without getting' interrupted."

"What?"

"Ijōna, I've wanted you since ya first came to the academy. Back then, I wanted you 'cause you were pretty and you smelled good. Now, I want you 'cause you're smart, you're funny, and you smell so good I can't stand it. It drives me crazy. And your body…." Instead of a word, he opted to let out a low growl. I shivered from the chill, and Kiba took that as an invitation to pull me in his arms. He was warm, and comforting. But it didn't feel like Shika. This was more…raw.

And not exactly in a good way.

I stood there, and out of nowhere Kiba pressed me against the wall, growling low in my ear. It sent shivers up my spine.

"I can't stand it. I want you to kiss me. Tell me it's better than Shikamaru. That I'm better than 'im. I need to know if I have any chance of having you!" he murmured huskily in my ear.

I shivered again, and gasped, realized I'd been holding my breath. I guess he took this as an invitation, because before I could stop him, he was kissing me.

Hard.


	9. It's the Hormone's Fault

He was kissing me harder than I would have expected. His hands pressed against the small of my back, trying to close all the distance between us.

My heart was trying to pound its way out of my chest. My mind was in shambles. I didn't know whether I was enjoying this, or frantically trying to stop it. I was doing both, actually.

He pressed me against the wall, holding me there with his strong hands. He had one leg between mine, making sure I couldn't move. I was breathless. His eager lips traveled from my mouth, to all over my neck and shoulders. I should have been fighting it. I should have been grossed out by how he was acting too animalistic. I should have been thinking about Shika, and what he would say.

But I didn't do that. Any of that.

I shivered as his lips grazed a sensitive spot on my collarbone, a spot I didn't even know I had. He smirked as he felt my reaction, goose bumps rising all over my skin. He delicately licked his tongue across the spot, and I let out a small squeal, shocking myself. He chuckled huskily. Then he bit me.

That….That should have definitely disgusted me. But it felt so good I thought I would pass out.

He sucked for a few moments, then let go of my skin, before licking it lightly, again. A massive surge of pleasure went up my spine, like electricity. My entire body was reacting. My body was hot. As Kiba began to kiss my lips again, I couldn't even think clearly. I thought I was going mad. All I could think about was Kiba's lips as they crushed against mine, about his tongue as he passed my lips, making my body burn even more, as I kissed him back, just as ferociously.

After a few minutes of the intense desire, his kisses went from violent to bold, and then to more passionate. He eventually died down to sweet. And as he began to lay small, sweet kisses on my face, Shika's image burst in my head so clearly I jumped.

"NO! This is wrong! So wrong!" I yelped, pushing Kiba away desperately. He let out a 'huh' sound as I frantically whipped my head back and forth, trying to clear it of all the sexual fog clouding everything. I stumbled as I tried to move forward, and Kiba caught me.

"Ijōna? Are you okay? IJŌNA!" I smacked myself (mentally) and stared at him. Then I leapt out of his arms, and darted out of the cave, and began jumping around the cliffs, looking for somewhere to hide.

I stumbled onto a ledge, dizzy. There was tingling still fluttering around in my body. There was still some pull in my gut, pulling back to where Kiba was.

It made me dizzy. It made me want. It made me crazy. I dropped onto the rocky ledge, and breathed slowly in and out. I finally felt myself falling asleep, it was the only thing I could think of to calm down and get through this stupid freak episode.

I just…want…to…sleeeep….

Natsūme's P.O.V.

I groaned, stomping through muddy sand crap. A freaking desert. With mud. AFTER A SANDSTORM. What the fuck? The universe must really fucking hate me.

I kicked the mud clods away, cussing out every single thing I saw and everything I didn't see and everything the fuck else too.

"De…Subeta?" Sasuke said from behind me, muttering darkly in an Osaka accent.

"YOU WANNA FUCKING CALL ME A BITCH, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE? WHEN WE'RE STUCK IN THE GOD-FUCKING-DAMN DESERT, YOU WILL NOT PISS ME OFF ANY MORE THAN I ALREADY AM, GOT IT YOU DUMB DUCK-BUTT-HEAD?"

My threats and swears echoed across the empty desert. After that effing sandstorm I got stuck with Sasuke. No-one but Sasuke. WHY? He may be the freaking hottest guy alive and I may like him with an intense freaky-ass passion, but does that give karma reason to stick me with the prick in a desert? For five fucking hours? WITH NO FUCKING SENSE OF DIRECTION WHAT-SO-FUKING-EVER? NO. KARMA IS A FUCKING BITCH.

"Damn. What's your problem?"

"YOU. YOU AND YOUR DUCK'S ASS OF A HEAD."

I threw a shuriken at his head, which he easily dodged. After that we ignored each other, trudging on in a strained, tense, angry silence.

A few miles later, my anger level was at an all time high. Every few minutes, I would backslap Sasuke across the face for breathing wrong or moving too slow. Another few hours and night had fallen.

And if the desert was god-fucking-awful hot during the day, it was motherfucking freezing at night. I stomped to keep my feet from freezing the fuck off. I trudged through the sand, completely ignoring Sasuke, who was trying to get my attention.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, DUCK-BUTT-HEAD-BOY?"

"Why don't you shut the hell up and look and see that there are caves? And we should stop? It's damn freezing outside."

"…Shut the fuck up Raven-boy." I spat in his direction, and turned around, irritated. I blindly barreled forward, cussing out everything that came to mind. And then I bumped into Sasuke.

My head collided with his back, and we just kind of stood there for a second. Me, kind of in shock. Him, he probably thought I was going to say something to him. So we just stood there, my forehead resting on his back, my eyes wide, shoulders hunched, and fingertips tentatively touching the back of his pristine white shirt.

"What?" he said, quietly.

"Nothing." I snapped, then stormed off again, cracking my knuckles into fists.

Not too long later, I was shivering my ass off. HOW CAN A PLACE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO FUCKING HOT GET SO FUCKING COLD?

I can't stand this.

I stood up, stomped over to Sasuke, and glared down at him stubbornly.

"What, subeta?"

"I'm cold, teme."

"And?"

"And it's freaking freezing!"

"What the hell am I supposed to do about that?"

"…ITS FREAKING OBVIOUS YOU ASSHOLE RAVEN-BOY WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO ABOUT THAT!"

"Explain it better, subeta."

"STOP CALLING ME A BITCH!"

"Then stop acting like one."

"Fine."

"Fine."

…

…

…

"IT'S FUCKING FREEZING!" I yelled, and dropped to the ground and wrapped my arms around Sasuke's torso, and burrowed my head in his chest. I pulled my knees up to my chest, and squirmed myself closer to Sasuke, desperately trying to warm myself up. I mean, its fucking freezing.

My teeth chattering, I swung my legs over so I was sitting awkwardly in Sasuke's lap. I squirmed a little until I was more comfortable, and then I turned around and leaned against his chest. I grabbed his arms and wrapped them around me, and I was finally warm AND comfortable. We sat there, both staring ahead in an awkward and stubborn manner. Finally, I sighed, and relaxed. The knot in my stomach slowly unwound, and my muscles unclenched. I relaxed into Sasuke, and heard his breathing speed up a little.  
>I purposefully situated my head to cradle on his shoulder, my face comfortably nestled into the hollow between his shoulder and neck. And then I sighed.<p>

My hot breath gusted on his pale skin, and I visibly saw goosebumps explode across his skin. I smirked, and fluttered my eyes, the fine lashes tickling him. When I spoke, I made sure my lips ghosted across the skin of his collarbone.

"Now I'm warm, Raven-boy."

I heard him try to swallow a moan from the back of his throat (which didn't work so well) and his hands gripped my arms. I inched up, heavily rubbing against him. I heard him let out another moan, and I turned to look in his eyes. For a second I remembered a scene from Kakashi's IchaIcha books that Ijōna stole. At this point, his eyes would have been described as "smoldering from the heat of passion" or something equally ridiculous. We looked at each other for a minute, and then he kissed me.

Not hot and heavy or anything, just lightly on the lips. Like a couple of twelve-year-olds.

And then I felt that awkward muffling. A sort of feeling that seemed as though someone had stuffed cotton in my ears, numbed my sense of touch, and covered my eyes with fine white cloth.

That damn cat chick. JUST WHEN I FINALLY FUCKING GET CLOSE TO HIM SHE DECIDES TO COME OUT AND PLAY!

"Sasuke…" she/me whispered. "Kiss me, my Raven."

Okay. I don't care how fucking little he and I have ever talked. He should know that I would never call him "my Raven." I would call him Raven-boy. Insulting people is my number one skill in life.

"Natsūme…" he moaned as cat-girl used my body to touch him in places decent people don't go for until at least the third date. If I could have blushed, I would have. Hell, if I could have punched the shit out of her I would have.

I tried not to puke as this crap went on for a few minutes, until she said something completely freaking retarded. She moaned Madara…Who we all know is the asshole-freak behind Sasuke's village-abandonment-scene.

He shoved her/me off of him, and glared ferociously. The shady cover over my senses got hot, and my cloudy vision went bloody pink, and Akuma/me shrieked a cat's yowl. She slashed her arm out to scratch Sasuke's face, but only succeeded in clubbing him in the face. Well, it isn't like I grow my nails out!

I fought against her in my head. I'm not going to let her screw around in _my _body_, _mess with _my_ crush, and try and beat him up with _my _hand. That's my job. My head felt like it was going to split, but I eventually blocked her back into my mental cage. I collapsed against the wall, out of breath and exhausted.

"What the hell was that, you freak?" Sasuke growled, holding a kunai in his hand.

"I don't know. That cat popped out again."

"Yeah, right."

"Listen, teme. I will never, _ever, _**ever, **call you 'my raven.' No matter what the situation, the context, my feelings, your feelings, I will NEVER call you my raven."

I stood up, walked away from him, then leaned into a corner.

"Now leave me alone in my emo corner, you duck-butt-headed jerk."


End file.
